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Random thoughts

2009-12-05T14:50:00.003-07:00

Just to keep my few readers in continued shock that I am actually blogging again...here's today's random thoughts.

Golden Retrievers are some of the most amazing dogs. Smart, loyal, loving, and so funny. Asher was proudly parading around the house with the string from a balloon in his mouth, balloon floating above him , saying look at me, aren't I great? Silly dog. :)

I am again astounded, amazed and grateful when I see a word of the Lord coming true. I have been going through a rough season for a while, not fully understanding all of it. Part of it certainly came from some things at my work. The Lord told me about a month ago to hang on, there would be changes by the first of the year. He didn't tell me what kind of changes. Well, this past Thursday there were some major changes announced. I stand in awe that the Lord of all the universe would stoop to encourage my heart with such a specific word. How good He is to us.

Can't believe my baby is 18 years old. I know I sound like an old woman when I say, where did the years go? My full-time mothering years are waning rapidly. While I know there are seasons for everything, I have to say that being a full time mom was absolutely one of the greatest delights of my life. I LOVED being at home, raising my kids. And the amazing people they are today is a testimony of God's faithfulness.

Off to do some online Christmas shopping.

God uses imperfect vessels

2009-11-30T19:25:00.002-07:00

We all go through tough times—those Red Sea moments, if you will when you feel stuck between a rock and hard place and it seems as though nothing will change.

I felt the Spirit leading me share briefly with a few others about the difficult time my marriage went through a few years ago. The thing I always come back to when I think of that time, is that despite the pain of that season, I wouldn't trade it now. What God worked in my own heart (much less my husband's or our marriage) is now more precious to me than gold. I know in a much more intimate and solid way that He is my rock. He is solid ground for me no matter what I face.

Today, because I obeyed in speaking of what I have been embarrassed and even ashamed of—my own brokenness—God used what I spoke of to minister to another soul who is facing a breaking marriage. What I had spoken of gave her hope, gave her courage to ask questions, hopefully helped her shake the shame and embarrassment she was feeling. I pray for the restoration of this marriage—I told her God is able to do the impossible. I've seen it; I've lived it.

I guess the point that hit me today is how we all try to hide our brokenness, whatever the situation may be. I felt shame and embarrassment during that time. Like I had let, was letting, the Lord down. I was tarnishing His good name.

While there are times that our actions can certainly do that, more and more what I am seeing is that it is in our very brokenness, when we have nothing to hold onto anymore—that is where God loves to shine. And He heals our brokenness and He calls us to share it with one another. It is not my "together" life that is going to help another hurting person. It's me being real and letting God shine through all the warts, pain, sorrow, and sin. Because then, He truly gets all the glory.

He loves to use imperfect vessels. I pray you choose to let Him use you.

Blessings.

Life goes on...

2009-11-28T12:31:00.004-07:00

Last night we were talking with our almost 18-year-old daughter. She expressed so well what we are all feeling as we mourn with the family who just lost their daughter. She noted how it's good to have a busy day today to take her mind off of the grief she is feeling for this family. At the same time, how incredibly callous it feels that life goes on.

I have felt the same way. Both in this difficult circumstance as well as when my mom lost her husband a few years back. I felt that it was cruel for the sun to rise and set as normal; for children to play; for the mail to be delivered. At the same time, it is those very normal activities that draw the grieving back into life. I stand in awe of our God who is so wise to work things out this way.

And so, life does go on...for our loving Father is the giver of all life and He does it in big and small ways. So today, I thank Him for sustaining the mourning family, granting them strength for the moment. And I thank Him for the daily rhythm that will gradually call each hurting heart back into life. I continue to pray for a healthy grieving process for them, in whatever time and way they need.

Blessings.

Time of Thanksgiving and mourning

2009-11-27T10:21:00.002-07:00

I have so much to be eternally grateful for and have really been spending time thanking God for so much the last few days. Salvation, His continued transformation of our lives, my husband, my son and his wife, my two beautiful daughters. Our nation, our soldiers and their families. God's over all goodness to His creation.

Today, I learned of the passing of a lovely 17-year-old girl after a valiant fight with cancer. My heart mourns with this family. We have known them for several years, as our son and the older sister were friends in high school. We are weeping and grieving as though we had deep relationship with Lindsay and her family. Yet we don't.

But praying for Lindsay as she fought cancer over the last couple of years has totally captured our hearts. From my husband to my almost 18-year-old daughter, to me, we have been interceding deeply for Lindsay and her family. I find this so amazing that our God would so trust His children to intercede and come along side people who are going though incredible difficulties. What a great God we serve that He cares so much to express His heart through to hurting ones through us, even if from a distance.

And so I continue on in gratefulness, while mourning this lovely young lady. Please pray for Lindsay's family as they walk through this time of grief.

Finding time...

2008-06-16T19:42:00.003-06:00

I am having a hard time finding time to do the things that nourish my heart or "sharpen the saw" in Steven Covey terms. It seems like we just keep getting busier and busier and time slows for no man. :)

Anyway tonight I was working on one of my guild lessons and while I have found most of the lessons really helpful and felt that I learned something from each of them... I must say that screenwriting should be labeled screamwriting for me. :p

I have other things I want/need to write and yet I can't seem to find the motivation when I do actually have the time. And with summer here and two girls at home, there seems to always be someone around. Don't get me wrong, I love having the girls home. I also like time alone since I seem to need that to think and write.

When I tried to explain to my husband about how I need to get lost in the writing world I am creating, he didn't get it at first. I told him that when I am writing fiction (or even some non-fiction), I get immersed in the world and interruptions (yes, even little ones) stop the flow of thoughts and ideas.

Just a day or two later he sent me this quote: “The author in his book must be like God in his universe, everywhere present and nowhere visible.” – Gustave Flaubert (French Novelist). I appreciate his encouragement to me.

I am planning to get a few articles written this weekend for a magazine that I think would be a good fit for my writing and my passion. That's about all on the writing front for now. Besides trying to find time to get into my protagonist's head and talk with her some more. I may just take Saturday as a writing sabbatical and run away somewhere (close) and spend the day writing.

Blessings

Good book...

2008-06-10T20:35:00.002-06:00

I borrowed a book from my boss at work called Family Driven Faith: Doing What It Takes to Raise Sons and Daughters Who Walk with God by Voddie T. Baucham Jr. (Hardcover - Jun 7, 2007). This is an excellent book outlining the dire need our children have to be trained up in the ways of the Lord, just as we were instructed in Deuteronomy 6.

As the author points out, parents today have the tendency to turn our children over the "experts" be they the local school, private coaches, or youth ministries. Why do we parents think that someone else is supposed to do the hard work in teaching and training our children?

As I look back on the years when my kids were young, there were some things we did right: we read in the Word daily and tried to incorporate it into our lives. But as the kids got older and busier, I see how I dropped the ball and did not pursue time with each of them in the Word or even necessarily discussing what we individually were reading. Not sure when and how we got off course in that, but we did.

I am grateful that all three kids truly love the Lord and yet even now I want to come along side and share with them what the Lord is teaching me and what He is teaching them. I guess the thing is that we let the busyness of life crowd out the important things in life.

Anyway, if you want a good, convicting read to encourage you to invest in building and nurturing godly children and relationships, take a look at this book.

Blessings,

CCWC

2008-05-20T15:55:00.002-06:00

I attended the Colorado Christian Writers Conference this past week and had a fabulous time. It always amazes me what the Lord has in store.

Of course I learned a ton about writing. But part of what I learned as well is how far I've come since my first writing conference in 2006. Back then I was easily intimidated by other writers, especially those famous ones teaching at Glen Eyrie. But I was also easily discouraged by my lack of understanding about writing techniques. I have always learned things fairly quickly when I put something into practice on a regular basis but back then, any word of critique set me to wondering if I was supposed to write.

This time, I still see how very far I have to go and how many basic things I still need to get under my belt. But it didn't discourage me in the least. It only made me more certain. King David once said that he wouldn't offer the Lord something that cost him nothing. Guess I have learned that about writing. It will cost me time and practice, and even more importantly, it will cost me vulnerability. Something I am not overly fond of. :)

Back to this year's conference: I learned so much from instructors like Jeff Gerke who was very knowledgeable as well as a laugh a minute. But I must say my favorite was getting to know Angela Hunt and Nancy Rue. What incredible women! We talked of writing, families, and many other things. These ladies know how to delve into deep and sometimes painful things, and write of them in a way that brings life to others. They also know how to see humor in everyday occurrences. We laughed till tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Another "God" moment was connecting me with an editor of a magazine that wants me to write for her. I couldn't have planned it or orchestrated how naturally this happened.

The next couple of weeks will be spent regrouping, studying, reading, and analyzing before I begin more serious writing using the building blocks I learned this past week.

Blessings,

Don't fall off your chair...I'm back

2008-05-10T15:28:00.002-06:00

Well, it's been way too long since I posted on the blog. Life has been hectic, confusing, and just generally bogged down in many areas.

Right now I am racing to finish getting ready for the Colorado Christian Writers' Conference up in Estes Park next week. Today I am trying to hone my one-page pitch sheet to show to editors and agents. I know I am not ready for a full proposal since the book is only about 2 chapters long with several other scenes written for later in the book.

As I have spent time contemplating the book, I have had to go back and rework several areas including the first chapter since the book is now going a different direction. And I have struggled to make my characters real instead of flat. Part of what I hope to learn up at Estes Park.

I truly look forward to the time away (not just to escape the busyness!) because I have seen how the Lord has used each one I have gone to previously to encourage me not only as a writer, but as His follower. About three years ago, I went to a small conference at Glen Eyrie not really sure what I was going for or what it would accomplish...just knew I was to go. That's where I met my writing buddy, Jackie.

At first we met regularly and then that fell away as we both got pulled in different directions. We lost touch with each other for almost a year, but began meeting again this past fall. What an incredible blessing she is to me. She encourages me and gets me as a writer. That is the gift I came away with from Glen Eyrie.

Last year's conference with the writing guild was huge and pretty intimidating. However I learned a lot and came away better equipped.

Now I am going to Estes with Jackie. I know I will learn and be challenged and convicted as a writer and a woman. I am eager to go, though I don't know if Jackie and I will sleep since we get along so well and never seem to run out of things to talk about. Course we'll also be exhausted from the days that start at 7:00 a.m. and run until after 10:00 p.m.

Well, gotta run!
Blessings!

Pilates

2008-02-25T19:32:00.004-07:00

Well, I had to post again before my dear hubby harassed me again about posting more than me this month.

On a happy note I have been doing Pilates on the Reformer machine through a physical therapy place for the last couple of weeks. Here's the funny part—last Friday morning I was scheduled to go and was so excited it was like Christmas or something. You know, when you are so excited to get going that you keep waking up in the middle of the night, rolling over and looking at the clock, then with a sigh try to get back to sleep for a little while longer because it just isn't time yet. Can't believe I was that excited about this. But I was and I am.

I feel like the reformer machine is a gift from God for my back. I lay on this contraption, exercises all my muscles without breaking a sweat and feel relaxed afterward. Amazing. All in a safe manner for my back. Yippee. :) And I am definitely getting stronger. After over a year of being stalled, I am pleased as punch!

This all ties in with a word the Lord brought me this past week as I have spent some serious time asking Him for direction. He has given me very specific words on how to proceed in getting the best health possible. This all came after I read in Psalm 32:8 that He would counsel me and instruct me in the way of life.

This week He also brought me a gentle rebuke. Psalm 32:9—I should not be stubborn like the horse or mule. I had to repent because I have been very willful at times. I know that discipline in any area of life bears good fruit and yet I still resist it at times even though I know better. I have not wanted to rein (no pun intended!) in my eating back to what I need to be healthy. I have indulged giving myself whatever excuse was available at the time.

But He has graciously called me back to hearing instruction from Him. And it will bring life. It always does. And the fruit He brings will not only be good for my body, but my heart as well. Because my Father loves me and has plans only of good for me, no matter what I am going through—good or bad.

That is all for tonight.
Blessings.

Quirky senses of humor

2008-02-21T21:24:00.002-07:00

I am not sure why some things tickle our funny bones and not someone else's. For some time I have found certain commercials highly amusing while not finding much on the rest of TV amusing in the least. I have always adored the Mac/PC commercials, probably because I was a Mac aficionado before it was cool and I have been surrounded by PC users/programmers. You can view some of them here.

My youngest gets the biggest giggles from the happy cows come from California commercials as seen here.

The latest commercial that has really gotten to me is the new Jeep commercial. Don't know why this cracks me up but I laugh out loud every time I see it.

Now why youngest loves the happy cows and I love the jeep one—who knows? Just something different for everyone. But whatever the cause, it is refreshing to have those belly chuckles regardless of where they come from.

So what tickles your funny bone?

Today's musings

2008-02-19T20:08:00.003-07:00

Just a few musings today to try to stay (get back) into blogging mode. :)

My youngest daughter finished her Mock Trial season last week, much to her dismay and my relief. :) Of course now she is trying out for the spring play tomorrow. :P

Dear son has a young lady in his life which is very fun to watch and pray over, even if it is long distance.

Oldest daughter moved dorm rooms to a place much more peaceful since she had a suite mate who made life REALLY uncomfortable.

I am busy with work, writing, life.

Dear husband blessed me wonderfully on Valentine's day. Flowers delivered at work was a great surprise and gave me the opportunity to reemphasize to some young ladies there that men can still be romantic even after almost 23 years of marriage. I am grateful that my husband has been relearning his romantic side—one of the things that made me fall for him in the first place. :)

I'll post more wonderful thoughts when I have more time to think! :P

Blessings,

Good reading

2008-02-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

I have recently started reading a book I received for Christmas, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver. I had wanted to read the book simply based on its title. If ever there was a Martha personality, it is me!

Martha exemplifies what we women seem to expect of ourselves: manage a household well, raise exemplary children, cook fantastic, healthy meals, be involved in some sort of service either in church or volunteering, hold down a job or be actively pursuing your own creative goals. And we wonder why we are weary all the time. As you can see from previous posts, it is a constant battle for me to try not be all things to all people.

We wear ourselves out with frantic going and doing. But Jesus calls us to Him to sit, rest, be refreshed and strengthened. Today as I was rereading Matthew 11:28-30 the Lord again was calling me to be still. He is calling ot all who are weary, who have worked to exhaustion. His yoke is easy—it is a place of rest, recreation, fulfillment.

I am memorizing that Scripture and spending time contemplating the fulness of what Jesus calls me to be—not to do. He calls me to be at rest. What yoke are you walking under?

Blessings

Do you hear what I hear?

2008-01-28T19:21:00.000-07:00

Amazing what our ears hear: birds, machines, cars, planes, kids playing, music on the radio. But what do you hear? The reason I ask is that while my house can be full with five people living here over the holidays, I seem to be the only one who hears the buzzer on the washer and dryer when they are done. I am not saying this as a complaint, because when my husband or daughters or son say they didn't hear it—they really didn't hear it.

And there are times when I am writing or reading or working a crossword puzzle and one of my family will ask me something and I will have no idea they just said something to me. So this has caused me to wonder tonight as I alone hear my buzzers going off on the washer and dryer: what are the things I hear?

Truly the things or people we hear are the ones we give importance to. Hmmm... guess that means that my washer can call me out of whatever world I am in, but the people in life can't always do the same. :(

Some of these thoughts have also arisen because in order to be a good writer, you have to be a good observer with all five of your senses. And too many times I go through my days on auto-pilot without truly hearing, seeing, tasting, touching, or smelling the incredible world around me.

So what do you hear?

Lessons from my golden

2008-01-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

There is nothing so humbling as being taught life lessons by a two year old when you are 45! Yesterday as I was walking my golden retriever I was considering his take on life and how many things he has down pat that I have yet to learn.

He knows how to take each day as it comes: sun or rain, walk or no walk, play time, nap time. He just lives in the moment and enjoys it fully. He doesn't stress about yesterday, later today, or tomorrow. Whatever he does, he does it wholeheartedly.

He is always ready to play. Me, no, not really. I mean these things have to be planned, don't they? That's why we have calendars and planners and blackberries and phones and .... So yes, I need to learn to be spontaneous in my play. I also just need to learn to play more and that is one of my goals for this year. Doing things I love simply because I enjoy them: they don't have to fill a need, be good, satisfy anyone else. So I plan (there's that word again! :P) on reading more, writing more, painting more, pursuing things I just love. And so far I have begun to do that.

My golden knows how to relax. Stretched out fully on his back with his feet flopping up in the air, or perhaps snuggled in a tight ball of golden fur, heavy sighs of contentment rumbling from deep in his chest. My dog can sleep for all he's worth.

He also knows how to take limitations and turn them into a game since he finds joy in everything in his life. For example: though the leash he is attached to means I am technically leading him, he will take the leash in his mouth and prance out in front saying in effect, "this doesn't control me, I am leading the way!"

I need to see the limitations I experience, mainly with my back, with the same happy heart. I can choose to say, "This doesn't have to control me, I will get a grip on it and lead the way." Instead way too many times, I get frustrated and feel constrained. I need to learn to grab that condition and just recognize it is only a state of mind that keeps me down, not the actual physical circumstance.

So, hopefully I can learn to live in the moment, play more freely, relax totally, and overcome limitations with the right attitude!

Blessings!

What a duty

2008-01-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, January 8th, I had to report at 8:30 a.m. downtown for jury duty. While a friend had told me Sunday that a particular trial was starting, I didn't give it another thought until sitting in the jury duty room waiting for my number to be called (hoping it wouldn't be).

When I received my summons back in December, I thought about using the business reason to be excused since work has been really hectic. Then, as I prayed, the Lord reminded me that all of my days are held in His hand, crafted into His perfect plan. If I believe that, then this was in His will for me. So I decided to answer the summons. I figured that I would go sit for the morning and then be dismissed like my husband had been back in November when he was called. And I actually think it an honor to serve. While our justice system has many flaws, it is still the best in the world. So not wanting to serve was based more on the timing this particular week.

I should have known something was up when there was standing room only and we were told this was the largest jury pool ever called in our county's history. We were told there were 8 judges beginning trials that morning. One set of jurors was called, then another, then another—the largest one yet. Maybe I wouldn't have to serve. Then they began calling numbers for another pool. And calling, and calling, and calling. The longer the line of potential jurors got, the more persuaded everyone in the room was about which trial this was for. My name was called and I went toward the back of the line. By the time they finished calling names, there were over 70 people all standing in line to be taken up for questioning as potential jurors on a notorious case.

This case was the most serious our county has faced in many years. This was the case of the man who shot and killed one of our police officers in 2006. This was the first death on our police force in 20 years. Our whole city grieved deeply. And here I was in the jury pool.

When they took us up to the court room and they then sat us according to a seating chart—my seat was front row. After I took my seat, I looked around the courtroom curiously and then my heart began pounding fiercely as the gravity of the situation was brought home to me as I recognized the defendant from pictures I'd seen in the paper.

The most frightening thing wasn't that he was sitting just across the room from me, but when I looked in the defendant's eyes, they were totally dark. I have never seen any eyes so leaden, flat and void of feeling. Here was a man who has given himself totally over to evil. My soul shuddered and I began praying for him. Even he is not beyond God's reach.

The judge gave us instructions and we filled out more questionnaires and then were told to return after lunch. On the questionnaire I had to list what I remembered or had heard and what I thought of the defendant. When we returned, numerous jurors were called for various times over the remainder of the afternoon and the following morning. All called had to report for individual questioning in chambers with the judge, his staff, both sets of lawyers and the defendant. My turn was the following morning at 8:30.

After a fairly restless night, feeling somewhat anxious and burdened by this possibility of the trial, I returned to the courtroom. When my name was called, the clerk escorted me to the chambers where I faced the gauntlet of questions. First the judge—did I believe I could be objective even though I remembered the facts of the case fairly well? I told him I would abide by the rules if selected. The prosecution asked about the details I remembered from the case.

Then came the questioning from the defense. The lawyer attacked me like a ferocious guard dog asking me several times if I could be objective since I thought the defendant was guilty. And every time I replied that while I thought he was guilty, I would abide by the rules if selected. I was dismissed from the room while they discussed me and then I was told to return that afternoon for more questioning.

After spending the morning working at a nearby coffee shop, and eating lunch with my husband who was having his own struggles with the possibility of my serving on this jury (due to my very sensitive nature feeling for those who are hurt), I returned to the court.

After the emotional roller coaster that morning, the afternoon was a let-down. After the individual questioning, we were down to a jury pool of about 55 and they would not being general jury questioning with less than 75 in the pool. So we were dismissed and told to return again the following afternoon. In the meantime, more jurors would be called up to go through the same steps we had in order to fill the pool.

After another restless night and a morning of trying to get some work done, I reported again for duty. This time my assigned seat was front and center, directly behind the prosecution, right in front of the bar. This part of the process was incredibly interesting as each side questioned and had discussions with the entire pool, basically laying out what the charges the prosecution would be trying to prove—first degree murder—and the defense—self-defense—that the other side was claiming.

The uncomfortable part came when I was pinned by the defense again when the lawyer kept going over the presumed innocent part of the law and asking if anyone had a problem with that in this case. I finally had to speak up. From what I had read when the crime had happened, I knew the man was guilty. Even the defense was saying he had killed the police officer. While the defense wanted me dismissed immediately, the judge would not allow any dismissals until they had completed the questioning. We were dismissed for the evening and told once again to return the following morning.

By that evening I was absolutely exhausted. I couldn't believe how tired I was physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I crawled into bed by 8:30 and tossed and turned my way through one more night.

Friday morning, I reported. The defense continued their questioning and a couple more people finally said they thought they could not be objective either as they thought the defendant guilty as well. After a couple of hours of this, they finally began dismissing jurors to whittle down to the needed number. I was the second person dismissed.

During this time, several other potential jurors had come up to me during breaks to tell me what courage I had to speak up to the defense lawyer the way I did . Honestly, I rarely speak up in situations like that. I would rather stay silent and pray and let someone else take the heat. That day the Lord required me to speak. And several people told me they had courage to speak up because I had. God can and does use all things.

I have followed the trial closely and will continue to do so until it is settled. I feel a deep responsibility to pray over every part of the proceedings and over each person in the courtroom. I pray that the prosecution lays their case out clearly and fully. I pray that the judge rules wisely on every point of law. I pray for the defense lawyers, the clerks, and the recorder. I pray for the defendant–God's arm is not too short to save this man even while he faces the justice he deserves. I pray for the jurors: that they will see the truth , that they will rule justly, that they will abide by the rules of law, that they will have the strength they need for the emotions they are going through. I pray for order in every aspect of the court and that justice and truth to prevail.

Blessings,

Grieving

2007-12-09T18:10:00.000-07:00

Grieving tonight, so heavy hearted. The shootings here in Colorado over the last 18 hours deeply, deeply sadden me. Two dead, two wounded at the YWAM offices in Arvada. One dead, four injured at New Life church here in Colorado Springs, plus the shooter.

My heart weeps...there is nothing else to say. I pray that the wounded recover and that no other lives are lost. I pray for the Lord to move mightily in the midst of the shock, pain, and grief to bring life out of such tragedies.

And I mourn, crying out to the Lord, what times we live in. The evil only gets more crass, more bold. More innocent people hurt or killed.

And yet I know above the maddening roar of heinous acts, I know who is still seated on the throne. He still reigns, yes, even in these days, in these times. And He alone will win this battle between good and evil. He is the victorious one.

Please pray for all those so deeply affected by today's events.

And hug those dear to you and tell them you love them.

A mother's musings

2007-11-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

This has been an interesting Thanksgiving. One that is a sort of turning point.

Our daughter was home from school for a few days. So wonderful to have her here all day, all night for the last few days. When I rise early to let the dog out and close her door, I see her asleep in her room and my heart breathes a little more freely to see her sleeping here.

And yet I have a deep longing because this was the first Thanksgiving we have not seen our son—our first holiday without him. I deeply miss him. This is the longest we have gone without seeing him and while we are "used" to it, and while the future probably looks more like this time apart, I can't say that I like it.

There is something deep within a mother's heart, probably any parent's heart, that feels somewhat incomplete when a child is away from home. Even though I know that they are meant to grow up and have their own lives, indeed that's what I want for them, still, there is a hole in my heart that is only filled with that one so dear to me. I wonder if my mother still feels the same, that it is only when we are all together that a mother's heart feels whole again.

So while we miss our son, life goes on. We still have Thanksgiving with family, we still start Christmas shopping, we still put up our Christmas tree. But all without him. And so the days are not quite as bright and carefree.

I am so thankful our daughter is going to school closer to home. She is not only a daughter to me, but also a friend, a treasure. The laughter and smiles of our two girls carry me through this first time.

I wonder if they will get any easier as each one flies off to his or her own life? Somehow I don't think it will.

Fall musings

2007-11-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

During the fall months, when the air is crisp and clean, when whiffs of smoke drift in the evening breeze, I feel renewed. The sky is painted blue, so clear, and the mountains stand, white-capped as sentinels against storms that will soon come knocking.

There is something magical about watching the leaves turn the multitude of colors from yellow to orange to crimson before they dance free to float and whirl upon the wind. I love walking this time of year, hearing the wind move the leaves in a a final shudder before release. Different trees combining in a rustling symphony—the deep rattle of red-stained oak leaves above the gurgling whisper of golden aspen leaves.

There is a gathering together, as evening comes quickly and we snuggle in our warm homes against the cool evening air. The reconnecting that happens in a family as early autumn sunsets close in forcing us to reunite again ... to slow life as our world centers inside instead of out.

There is something deeply satisfying, comforting, about eating a warm meal in a home awash with light against the cold darkness. As snowy winds swirl and knock against our windows, we cuddle under thick blankets of contentment.

Such a life the Lord has brought us, such an incredibly diverse, rich, satisfying life. The little things like beautiful multi-colored leaves and the big things like a loving family, with such as these will I be content and bless my Lord.

Blessings.

These crazy, busy days

2007-11-14T14:23:00.001-07:00

These days are amazing. Everyone I speak with—family, friends, coworkers—each says the same thing. "Life has been so busy." or "I just can't seem to stop, too much to do all the time." or "This hectic going is wearing me out."

And I have found myself uttering the same phrase. So tired, so busy, so hectic, too much to do, too little time, stress, stress, stress. And we all seem to find ourselves running hither and yon, doing the "must do"s and many of the "feel like we should"s, and very few of the "want to"s–those things that refresh us.

Sometimes life feels like it is a vast production line and we are simply the cogs clanging through our day only to slam back into place as the alarm sounds the next morning and we begin all over again.

A friend I was talking with last night said something that caused to me stop and think: Everything seems to be escalating.

To escalate is to increase in extent, volume, number, amount, intensity, or scope.

Wow. I think my friend nailed it on the head because everyone seems to be feeling this. Interesting thing is that escalation is usually toward some end. It is not without purpose. What is the Lord allowing to escalate in your life and why?

Sometimes it feels as though life is spinning more and more out of control. And yet, we know that the Lord is still seated on His throne and He is still accomplishing His purposes.

This morning I read in 2 Peter 3:14: "Therefore, beloved, ... be diligent to be found by Him in peace..." The Lord has a provision of peace for us to walk out these days, but we must be diligent to stay in it. To me, diligence means it will require work. I know that when I am at peace, I can hear the Lord. When I am agitated, stressed, worried, fearful, etc., my heart is so full of that other noise, I cannot hear my Lord's soft whisper to my heart.

May you be diligent to be found in peace today.
Blessings.

Do you spurt or do you plod?

2007-10-23T19:42:00.001-06:00

Hello to all who might possibly stop by even though it has been way tooooooo long since I posted here.To say life has been busy is an understatement. The funny thing is that blogging is addicting and I really missed it even though I haven't been on.

Anyway, tonight's thought: are you a spurter or a plodder? I was considering this while I cleaned up dishes. Amazing how mundane tasks are great for thinking, praying, pondering and such. Anyway, I decided that in many areas of my life I am a spurter. I go in fits and starts, usually starting off with great enthusiasm and energy and then sputtering or quitting altogether. Hmmm... kind of like the hare in the famous fable.

However, there are other areas of my life that I plod along in faithfully. Day in, day out, no matter what I feel, think, etc. I keep going. Why the difference? That's what I am considering tonight. I think the difference lies in where I truly feel led to something, some task, someone. When there is truly devotion and conviction, then I am faithful. When I try to initiate something because I feel I have to or to please someone else, or even just because of someone else's passion, I end up falling flat at some point.

Well, this is my week to try to initiate some changes in my life again. First is with blogging faithfully at least twice a week. The second area I am starting is to begin working out regularly. I am able to pick up some unused sessions with a personal trainer and I just want to work on getting stronger in my core so my back will stay healthy.

So I am planning on being a turtle...plodding along...faithfully...week in, week out, day by day.

So are you a spurter or a plodder? And ask yourself why.

Blessings.

Pass along encouragements

2007-09-04T19:53:00.000-06:00

I needed to share that my mom read my post about the article getting bought by Chicken Soup and called me shouting practically: "I'm so proud of you!"

That was such a tremendous treat for me. My husband was excited for me when I told him; my girls were happy; my son congratulated me. But my mom's enthusiastic response was over the top and just made me float. Guess that's because she expressed the same emotion I felt when I found out.

That's the funny, incredible thing about women who are in close relationships—be they friends, siblings, mothers and daughters—we can "get" each other's highs and lows in ways that others don't. Maybe it's because we are so emotionally and relationally connected.

And I needed to share that with others: when you get the chance to "hurrah" for someone: Shout it out! It will feel good on your end and you will inevitably make someone's day. So take the time, when opportunities arise, to bless and laugh and shout and dance with the incredible people in your life.

Blessings!!

Exciting writing news!

2007-09-02T19:47:00.000-06:00

I was thrilled by an email I received a couple of days ago: the article I wrote for Chicken Soup for the Empty Nester's Soul sold!

To say I was surprised was an understatement. Honestly I had forgotten about the submission because it had been so long.

The article is a light-hearted account describing the weird sensations and emotions that come from having a child return home and college and finding him more of a guest than just one of the family.

So when Chicken Soup for the Empty Nester's Soul comes out in August 2008, look for my article titled "The Surprise Guest."

Blessings!

Seasons of discontent

2007-08-31T15:29:00.000-06:00

This is a devotional I wrote for a writing lesson. But I have been pondering this subject for a while. Why is it that we are all so quick to want the next best thing? That hottest gadget? The newest project? The high mountain top experiences of life? When in reality, God has called us here, in the valleys and plains to live for Him, giving Him all glory without all the excitement we crave.

Luke 21:34 (Amp.) “But take heed to yourselves and be on your guard, lest your hearts be overburdened and depressed (weighed down) with the giddiness and headache and nausea of self-indulgence, drunkenness, and worldly worries and cares pertaining to the business of this life…”

As I plucked another dead head off the late summer blooms of the marigolds in my garden, I paused. These happy yellow flowers that are so hardy to bloom from spring to frost had become little more than a chore to me. I no longer delighted in their beauty; I no longer cared for seeing their sunny faces in my garden.

As I went back to the task at hand, twisting the heads off while trying to keep the rest of the plant intact, I pondered how easily I am discontent with life.

In the dark cold months of late winter I eagerly pour over flower catalogs, oohing and aahing over the new varieties and the incredible colors. They bring light to the dreary, short days. And in the spring I am always anxiously awaiting that last frost date so I fill my garden with luscious flowers. I coddle the new plants as babies, watering and feeding diligently. By mid-summer I can look at my flowerbeds and enjoy the abundant beauty.

But by late August to early September, I am ready to move on; I am weary of this job. It is the season of my discontent.

Now I tend to the beds out of duty rather than devotion. Feeding has all but stopped. Weeding as well. Now I feel restless, and like the turning of the leaves, I too want to move on to something different. I want to let go of this task which was once a joy and now only a drudgery.

And as I paused in my picking off the dead blooms, the Lord spoke to me. I tire much too quickly of the things which should be beauty in my life, things He planted to be enjoyed and blessed by. Things I now only consider mundane, boring, menial, and unrewarding.

As I received the prick off conviction, I recognized my own careless response to the Lord. Everything He has called me to or brought into my life is there for a purpose. But how quick I am to abandon something because I’m bored or tired of it.

In our society we are all programmed to want the quick fix, the instant dinner, the fastest modem, the newest video game. If a computer is two years old, it’s ancient. We get impatient with a microwave dinner that takes two minutes instead of one. The frantic pace we run at now only beckons us on down the road of discontent. How will we ever learn to abide or endure?

As I returned to the care of my garden, I looked up, grateful for the perseverance and patience the Lord is teaching me, even in the midst of every day tasks. And I reached down to inhale once more the sweet aroma of one more bloom before turning to the next plant needing my care.

Lord, teach us to number our days as you do. Teach us to slow down, to wait upon you, and to take time to be quiet. Help us to have the perseverance to see something all the way through with joy and contentment instead of buying into the agitation of our world. You are still the God who calls to us, saying: “Be still and know that I am God.”

Blessings!

Changes

2007-08-16T19:45:00.000-06:00

Well, we got our daughter safely moved in at school. After a hot, sweaty day of moving multiple loads up three flights of stairs, and lots of arranging, and helping, she was settled. Of course later that night her boyfriend came up to see her with the help of her suite mate, they rearranged her room again. Makes me wonder why we spent so much time doing it the first time! :P

Of course this was somewhat to be expected since she is my girl and I am one to move things around multiple times to figure out how I want a room to look. I am happy she made the room her own.

As far as emotions here ... I am doing remarkably well. Maybe it has to do with going through this once before ... maybe it's being busy with a new job ... maybe it's because she has called home at least once per day since Tuesday! Girls are certainly different than guys.

It's funny because we miss her, miss touching base about her day, yet we are all doing okay too. Even her younger sister, the poetic drama queen, said I haven't felt like crying because the heavens have been doing it for me. (It's been raining a bunch!)

Actually this time and season is such a mixture of emotions; grief because we miss our kids, knowing that life will never look the same again. And as I told the youngest, just because it's different doesn't mean it's not good too.

Yet, I also feel such pride and joy seeing our daughter stepping out into the path the Lord has for her. What an exciting time for her. New classes, new friends, new places. As I told her, it's kind of like a big, long camp. With homework!

My job is going well, still learning the ropes. It's different because while I have worked as a freelance editor for a few years, I have done only what's requested per my instructions. Now I am the one giving the directions! I have the final say-so on all the products coming across my desk. And while I like having the power to change things that need changing, it is also somewhat intimidating. Daily as I am heading to work, I am asking the Lord to anoint what I am doing, that I would be a tool used by Him for His glory alone.

Well, enough rambling for tonight.

Blessings

Updates from busy life

2007-08-12T16:19:00.000-06:00

Interesting time at our house. So busy with the comings and goings that it seems we barely have time to catch our breath. And I wonder why I am trying to blog in the midst of this and I will come across someone who asks about it and mentions that they read it and are encouraged. So I will continue on.

In the last couple of weeks our son returned to Oklahoma. Last week our youngest started her sophomore year of high school, I started a new job, and older daughter finished working for the summer. This is our next transition. Our lovely daughter moves on campus on Tuesday.

I think I am still in denial. All the shopping is mostly done. The packing is pretty well finished. I am very excited for her and eager to hear all the wonderful things the Lord will do this year in her and through her. And I am not thinking about kissing her goodnight tonight or tomorrow night because I think I will lose it. As a matter of fact, I know I will. Kissing our kids goodnight has been such a ritual since they were babies.

Her dad always run through the familiar sleep tight, sweet dreams, see you in the morning, don't let the bed bugs bite, I love you, goodnight. Who loves you most? Jesus. And who else loves you? You do. Who is my precious little lady? I am.

My routine is from a book that we recite in unison: I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

And tomorrow night will be the last time I will say that to her on a nightly basis.

I went through this transition with my son and I find it no easier with the second child. When they return home from school, we may still say our goodnights, but the routine, the sweetness of daily familiarity is broken, never to be the same.

And so, I am dreading the goodnights. The days will be busy, full of school, work, activities. It is the bedtime when I miss my kids the most. I guess that is pretty normal for most moms. And somewhere down the road, it becomes "normal" to not have them around to say goodnight to. Sad, but true.

So I'd appreciate prayers for our transitions over the next few days and weeks.

Blessings.

One day at a time . . .

2007-07-18T08:19:00.000-06:00

Today as I am pondering what to blog about, I am looking over at my calendar and contemplate the next few weeks.

Next week includes a graduation luncheon for our son at the Focus Institute, my youngest daughter's orientation, and our family leaving for Yellowstone. The Friday after we return, our son leaves for Oklahoma the same day as we have a end-of-summer, new college student send-off barbecue. The following Tuesday, the 7th, youngest starts school.

Then on Saturday, my older daughter has a study-prep session at the college while I have an all day Writer's Summer Camp session. On the 14th, oldest daughter moves on campus. And in between, I am trying to write, prepare for trip, paint youngest's bedroom (hopefully!), help oldest daughter sort and pack, hit doctor's appointments, and shop for all three kids for school needs.

The reason I listed all of that is to stop for a moment and ask why I allow a calendar to dictate my days and how I feel about them. I like being busy, productive. However, when I look at the full weeks ahead, I start to get stressed. But the Lord never intended for the days (or weeks) of schedules in front of us to set our moods or our days. A song I love says, "All of my days are held in Your hand, crafted into Your perfect plan."

Yes, we need to plan, but ultimately, He is the One who is to tell us what each day should contain. Each day I am learning anew how to ask Him, "Lord what would You have for me today?" As I do that, even when the calendar is full, I relax, knowing that all I have to do or take care of is what's right before me now. The next hour, next appointment, next day, will take care of itself. I only have grace for this moment.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:4-7).

May you find rest, refreshment, and peace to walk through your days as you allow Him to show you what's to do each moment of every day.

Do You Smell?

2007-07-14T10:33:00.000-06:00

My daughter arrived home from work, frazzled and frustrated. She is working with a young woman who is one of those prickly people who constantly send out barbs to everyone around them. Well, this day my daughter had become the unfortunate target.

The person in question started a conversation with my daughter and then began to mock her for her friendships with other coworkers, her purity, and finally her Christianity. While my daughter is well aware that there will be persecution in this world, this still took her aback. As she said, "Mom, I have never had someone spew so much hostility and venom at me for who I am." The final clincher was a childish insult hurled at my daughter: "You smell."

Well, my daughter knew she didn't smell and yet that barb found a way in under her armor. Funny how the devil can use even little things to penetrate when the full-frontal assault is failing. But God is so gracious to redeem. That night as we gathered with our church for prayer, my daughter's best friend came up behind her to give her a hug and without knowing anything of my daughter's day said to her, "You smell so sweet."

When my daughter told us what her friend had said later in the night, I just smiled. As she said, "I knew I didn't stink, and yet to hear that affirmation from someone who was unaware of my day totally disarmed it."

As we were talking, the Lord reminded me of a verse which I quickly looked up. "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task?" (2 Cor. 2:14-16)

After that I had to tease my daughter, that yes, she DID smell! To that coworker, it is a smell of death, to her dear friend, the fragrance of life. And she laughed with me as we agreed that our prayer for each one of us is to be "smelly!"

Tight Places

2007-07-11T08:12:00.001-06:00

Last Saturday my husband and I went mountain bike riding at a new state park which just recently opened south of Colorado Springs. What we had seen of trails from driving past a few weeks prior looked fairly easy. There were wide paths traversing through some beautiful meadows. Okay, I can do that. Mind you, I have only been riding a bike for about one year. The only other bike I have owned was the purple banana-seated one I got as birthday gift when I turned six or seven.

So we get to the park, and take off on one of the more narrow trails heading away from the parking lot. Not any are marked with difficulty level. Yep, you can see what's coming. After about 5-10 minutes (not the hour it seemed!) we climbed out onto a narrow, at times rocky single track trail. I don't know how to ride over rocks, I am not particularly fond of riding uphill, I HATE consticted places!

But we kept riding. I struggled a lot, battling fear and feeling completely overwhelmed. Not feelings I like. As a matter of fact, usually when I feel these emotions, I panic. Not a good thing to do on a mountain bike.

Not a good thing on skis either. This is the same feeling I get when I have tried to ski down black runs (Difficult classification!) with David and the kids in the winter. I have always maintained that the moguls (big snow-covered hills on a run) are okay if they would just spread them apart. I hate feeling trapped in the gutter (the bottoms between the hills).

And yesterday as I was pondering these things it occurred to me that this is a common fear I have in many situations ranging from physical activities to financial to emotional and spiritual. God came to set us free. He never intended for me to be bound in fear.

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free" (Gal. 5:1)
The definition of the word freedom, eleutheria, here is freedom, generosity, independence. It is a distinctive blessing of grace. The exact opposite of slavery or having to follow a prescribed course. The Lord also showed me this is related to trust.

"When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You" (Ps. 56:3).
The word for trust, batach, means to attach oneself, to trust, confide in, feel safe, be confident, secure, careless. It represents the feeling of well-being from knowing the rug won't be pulled out from under you.

I still need to have both of these worked into me because no matter what the circumstance may be, no matter how tightly constrained I may feel, the Lord always has freedom for me that flows as a result of the grace I receive in trusting Him.

And by the way, I actually gained some new skills on the bike and surprisingly enjoyed most of the ride through beautiful country, taking it slow and learning along the journey.

Blessings.

Mouse in the house

2007-07-10T08:01:00.001-06:00

O little mouse,
Why are you hiding in my house?

Cute, isn't he? (she?) Problem was this little guy somehow found a way into the house. I had just climbed in bed early, weary from a busy day. My youngest daughter was getting ready for bed as well and my husband was working on his laptop in our family room.

I hear the call, Kerry can you come down here? I need your help. Grumbling mildly to myself about climbing back out of bed, youngest daughter and I head downstairs. My hubby is very carefully setting down his laptop and getting off the sofa. "Are you hurt?" I asked at his ginger movements. "Nope, there's a mouse hiding under the entertainment center."

After shutting the dog in our bedroom, my husband uses a broom and yardstick to "sweep" the little mouse toward the daughter and I who are trying to shoo it toward the door. The mouse ran out and back under after spotting my hopping feet. (I'm not scared of any old little mouse, it's just that rapid scuttling, not knowing where he's going to go!) At this point our daughter is draped across the kitchen counter looking down at the floor. Lot of help she is!

Well, after doing this dance for a few times, the mouse decided to make a run for it. Only he didn't run for the open door, nope. He headed under the stove. Well at least he's contained we thought. My husband swept under the stove with the yardstick. No mouse. Swept again. No mouse. I know I saw him go under there. David finally pulled the drawer out and looked. No mouse. Where could he be?

David decided he better look in the drawer amid the pots and pans. So he took the drawer outside (smart man!) and started lifting out pans. Sure enough, there was the little guy hiding terrified. David tipped the drawer and the mouse jumped free and scrambled away.

We breathed a sigh of relief. Until I realized the mouse had been in the pans!! Everything had to be sterilized that night, of course. So no early to bed that night. But at least the mouse was out!

Perspective

2007-07-06T13:06:00.001-06:00

This morning I spent some time going through an old journal I wrote over the last two years. Amazing the things I have learned, the things I have been healed of, the things I am still stuggling with. I see the prayers over quitting my job to be home more for my family as I am now considering going back to work. I see things I prayed over my son as he prepared and left for college; some answered already, some still in process. I read the things I asked of the Lord for each of my girls. Some complete, some just beginning to blossom, some no hint of yet.

And through it all, I saw the Father's faithful hand, guiding, encouraging, strengthening, supporting. How good He is to us. There were many things I prayed over and over and didn't think I saw any change. But now, two years later, I can see the change.

Day in, day out life has a tendency to clutter our view. I think that the distance we can gain either from time away from a situation or from a new physical location can help us to see more clearly, to gain new perspectives. In the moment, I am usually reacting to the situation or my own emotions. With a different perspective, I can begin to disearn those things that I made wise choices in and those that I may have been overreacting to. Only a different perspective offers me that vision.

Sometimes the Lord also uses others to bring that full vision to us. As I wrote of earlier this week, time spent with family and friends helps us to pick through the messes we can find ourselves in and offer us a new outlook with renewed focus and passion.

I would encourage each one to take time to look back to see how far you've come. And how far you still have to go. Just remember the Creator is busy at work in your life, adding another color here, another line there. Using everything, the good, the difficult, to fashion a great work of art for Him to delight in.

“My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me. I cannot choose the colors, nor all the pattern see. Sometimes He chooses sorrow and I, in foolish pride, forget He sees the upper and I the underside.

Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly, will He reveal the pattern or tell the reason why. The dark threads are as useful in a weaver's skillful hand, as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.”
(Author unknown)

Blessings.

Growing in different directions

2007-06-30T11:56:00.001-06:00

It's amazing to watch your children grow and change and explore new areas. Both of our girls have just embarked on new endeavors which are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

Our oldest daughter has begun making a quilt. I have been fascinated to watch her do this from choosing the fabrics (which went against what I would have imagined for her—surprise there is NO purple!) and seeing the excitement she has to work at this. Mind you, I am not a seamstress in any way shape or form. I feel quite proud to sew back on a button that has fallen off. My dear daughter has just taken a sewing class for the first time and then taken on the task of making a quilt for her dorm room which she'll be moving into in a little over a month! But she is furiously measuring and cutting and sewing away in her small amounts of free time. And I am standing a little in awe. I have pondered how in times past women would gather to quilt together, having work time and fellowship time combined.

Our youngest daughter has finally had the bicycling bug bite her. She was so excited last night to come home with her new bike that she bought with her own money. I am eager to see where this takes her. She has always been the little couch potato. The few times she was out on a bike, she did not enjoy it at all. But a funny thing happens when you work all day for months with people who not only like something but are avid about it. It has made me stop and think that is why the Lord tells us to not forsake the gathering together with other believers. When you are around someone who is eager and excited about something, it has a way of rubbing off on us and actually changing our perceptions as well.

Very interesting to watch both girls take off and try new things and also to see how fellowship is integral to every area of our lives.

Pictures from RMNP

2007-06-30T11:55:00.001-06:00

This picture is of the beautiful wildflowers that can be seen at Rocky Mountain National Park. We never saw quite this many, though we did seem whole meadows full of yellow flowers.
The second photo is of Alberta Falls. Amazing the amount of water that is thundering down those falls.
The final shot is of Morraine Lake. It was a great example of the terrain.

Back in the saddle again . . .

2007-06-30T11:14:00.000-06:00

Hello out there! I am finally back to blogging and I think I am finally slowing down a little, though that is a relative thing these days.

Many thoughts to try to communicate. Last weekend my husband and I celebrated our 22nd anniversary. What a blessing it was to get away to Estes Park. Though it was only for 2 1/2 days, it was restful, joyful, meaningful, playful, romantic. From roaming the shops in town, to romantic evenings at the bed and breakfast, to deep discussions, to hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park, it was all perfect. In a nutshell, it was hard to come home. :)

The absolute beauty at Rocky Mountain National Park was amazing. I hadn't been there in probably 10 years and the stunning vistas and clear lakes reflecting the jagged mountain peaks moved me deeply. There is something unique to being out in nature. It calms the heart and mind. It soothes and refreshes the soul. I hadn't realized how much I had missed that or how much I need it. Even back at our cabin at the B & B, we had some time to read our Bibles and reflect before our breakfast was delivered each morning. Sitting out on our little deck, basking in the morning sunshine, surrounded by rugged mountains and watching wildlife forage just a few feet away restored parts of me I didn't know were missing.

Being out in nature, away from the everyday demands of life, where it is quiet, I can hear so much more clearly and I get glimpses of how great our God is. The awesome Creator of the universe cares so deeply for the details in all of His creation. I saw incredible waterfalls thundering with tremendous power. I also saw delicate blue flowers gently swaying alongside a creek. From the gigantic boulders and imposing mountains to the quiet streams bordered by lacy ferns, I saw the hand of our Creator God. He delights in the details of creating beauty. He made this world for His pleasure and yet, it brings pleasure to us as well. How awesome to know that He created each of us with the same attention to detail for both the large and small things in our lives: from the obvious gifts to the smallest freckle hidden below our ear. And He delights in every part of us.

Blessings.

Life updates

2007-06-04T07:54:00.000-06:00

Well, we came through another graduation with its myriad of emotions. Amazing how proud, sad, happy, excited, exhausted we can be all at the same time. There has been so much to deal with from extended family visits to our son moving to an apartment to college orientation for the new graduate! Talk about a whirlwind!

This week will be spent getting back on track for the summer. Work, writing, volunteering ... gotta find my summer schedule in the midst of this all. In addition to running my youngest to her job and activities this summer. I'll post more as I get my "writing legs" back under me this week.

Blessings

Fly by writing updates

2007-05-21T08:12:00.000-06:00

Quick updates on how the Lord is encouraging my writing:

First I got my last lesson back from my mentor (which I posted here previously) and she said it was ready for publication!! So after graduation stuff, I will be looking for a market for this. :)

I also heard back from MOMSense magazine about an article I wrote about my two nephews. They didn't buy it at this time, but want to hang on to it for possible future use. I have to notify them if I get it out elsewhere. So I will also try marketing that article around too.

God is so gracious to encourage me during this hectic week. For those reading this, also pray for my back as I am feeling a little "tweak" this morning and cannot afford for it to go out this week. Now I am off to get going on the chores at hand today (carefully!) in preparation for graduation stuff later in the week.

Blessings!

Preparations, meditations

2007-05-17T08:45:00.000-06:00

This continues to be whirlwind few weeks as the end of the school year winds down. While we haven't been running every night, there still seems to be a long list of to-do items.

Our girls are preparing/finishing finals, our son is home and looking for work, I am trying to finish up a couple of freelance jobs before the week ends, and then I can try to get the house together for family arriving next week. I am going to begin volunteering at a magazine once a week so I can learn more of the details of writing for one, so I have been lining that up as well.

As far as my own writing goes, I have been bogged down by both busyness and emotions and haven't gotten any done recently. My son said something to me that jarred me: "Write even if everything you are writing will need to be trashed and you have to start over."

All I could think is what a waste! I can objectively see the value of what he's saying, however my practical nature recoils in horror at the waste that it could turn out to be. Then my pastor reminded me that the Lord said to write. He didn't tell me I would be successful, just to write. Okay, back to that obedience thing again. Sometimes I wonder how long it will take for me to receive all the Lord desires to do in me and through me.

I probably won't be on much the next week or so with family here and graduation. Have I said how incredibly proud and blessed I am for my daughter?? The Lord has fashioned for Himself a valiant, compassionate, beautiful, woman of God. How grateful I am for His faithfulness in her life. I am so grateful that she now considers me a friend and not just her mom. :D

I was considering a mother's heart in the midst of Mother's Day, as well as this season of our daughter graduating. Paul speaks of pouring out his life as a drink offering: "But even if I am being poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrifice and service of your faith, I rejoice and share my joy with you all"(Phil. 2:17).

This is truly what a mother does from the moment she holds her baby. From the two a.m. feedings, to rocking the sick child through the night, to letting them go to school for the first time. From the sacrificing of sleep, nutrition, time, and energy, a mom pours her life into her children. And we do so willingly. (At least most of the time :P).

Now my days are not sacrificed so much in time, although that still happens. No, my sacrifice and pouring myself out is now more in prayer. My children are either adults, or almost there, and they no longer need mom to hold their hand or tell them how to do something. But I can still pour my life into theirs as I intercede for them and for the decisions they are making.

I am not only proud of each of my children for what they have accomplished at this point in their lives, but for the people they are. God has done a marvelous work and I know that many times it is in spite of me rather than because of anything I did. Our Father is so faithful. I trust Him to continue to strengthen and encourage each of them throughout their lives. They belong to Him, may He receive all the glory.

Breathing Prayer

2007-05-09T08:44:00.000-06:00

Prayer is hard work, no doubt about it. When Paul admonished us to pray without ceasing, visions of nuns or monks cloistered away from the world, down on their knees praying in absolute silence is what comes to mind. However, I am finding that praying without ceasing is becoming something that is like breathing.

Lately there have been several situations in the lives of loved ones that have been distressing. Issues of the heart, health concerns, anxiety over choices being made have all crowded my heart and mind constantly.

There have been nights of little or no sleep, days of busyness weighted down by the intercession I have been called to do. And I have found that when the burden is great, I am praying without ceasing. I am breathing prayer.

As I lay in bed awake at night, I doze off with prayers on my lips. As I roll over and inhale, another prayer goes up. During the day, as I work, my mind is occupied with the task at hand. But my heart is still praying. How do I know this? Because whenever I stop to “catch my breath, ” whenever my mind stops just for a second, there is prayer going out of me, just as I exhale each time. I am breathing prayer.

Just yesterday I received a copy of Pray! magazine and one article is titled, "Breathing Prayer." I found it an interesting "coincidence" that this article showed up at the same time that I had been contemplating this. The author's focus was different than what the Lord had been showing me though. This pastor was seeing how the act of breathing could be a reminder of allowing the Holy Spirit to live and work more freely in his life. He quoted a prayer/poem by A.B. Simpson, who was founder of the Christian and Missionary Alliance:

"Breathing Out and Breathing In"
Jesus, Breathe Thy Spirit on me,
Teach me how to breathe Thee in,
Help me pour into Thy bosom
All my life of self and sin.

I am breathing out my own life,
That I may be filled with Thine;
Letting go my strength and weakness,
Breathing in Thy life divine.

Breathing out my sinful nature,
Thou hast borne it all for me;
Breathing in Thy cleansing fullness,
Finding all my life in Thee.

I am breathing out my sorrow,
On Thy kind and gentle breast;
Breathing in Thy joy and comfort,
Breathing in Thy peace and rest.

I am breathing out my longings,
In Thy list'ning loving ear,
I am breathing in Thy answers,
Stilling every doubt and fear.

I am breathing every moment,
Drawing all my life from Thee;
Breath by breath I live upon Thee,
Blessed Spirit, breathe in me.

Good stuff to contemplate. Blessings.

More on writing

2007-05-08T08:09:00.000-06:00

Yesterday's article was insightful for me to write, but also to see the responses of those around me. When my oldest daughter read the first paragraph, she was horrified. "Mom, you really did that and thought that??" Yep. There is my dirt.

Her response hit me on a couple of levels. First, that gratefully she was shocked that I could respond that way. I take that to mean that I don't normally function that way anymore. Praise God! The other thing was that the environment she has grown up in has taught her the honor and blessing it is to serve. How different from the self-absorbed world in which I lived. God is so gracious.

Another thought that has crossed my mind of late is that writing, whether fiction or nonfiction, requires a deep level of honesty and vulnerability. By honesty, I mean really dealing with deep emotions and the truth of how ugly life here can be and how glorious our Father is. This, at least to me, is a very vulnerable place.

As I have written in the past, growing up I thought the most important things in life, the way to succeed was to be practical and focus all my energy there. In doing so, I learned to stuff things down and didn't allow myself to learn how to deal with deep emotions. They remained, but hidden. And when they do come bursting out, usually at inopportune times, it can be messy. I don't really like messy.

So part of the struggle in writing is learning how to express those deep things in my own heart and on the page. And that makes me feel vulnerable. But I am learning that the more I write, the easier it becomes to allow those emotions to flow onto the paper. And that is what makes the word on the page come to life—when it touches us. When we read something and we are moved to laugh, cry, act. That is what I want my writing to be, an instrument to touch hearts and change lives.

Blessings.

Article

2007-05-07T15:32:00.000-06:00

This is an article I am working on for one of my Guild lessons. It still needs some editing and tweaking. Just figured the more I get "out there," the better.

As a young newlywed working full time, I was approached by a woman at church to bring a meal to someone who was ill. I smugly refused, stating that I worked full time and didn’t have the time. Let those who don’t work full time do this duty, I thought. I remember the sad look the other woman gave me as she turned away. I stuffed down the conviction, and excused myself that she was judging me.

I continued my self-absorbed life for another year or so before the Lord got my attention again, in a much more dramatic and personal way. By this time I was pregnant for the first time. Life was proceeding according to plan; my husband and I were working and planning for the arrival of our baby. About two months before my due date, I began to leak amniotic fluid. I called my doctor who sent me to the birth center to be checked to verify the leakage. The doctor put me on a medication to prevent premature labor and ordered bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy.

While a few days of lounging sounded heavenly when I had been working full time, the days now stretched on endlessly. My husband was working long hours in construction, coming home many nights too tired to do more than shower, eat, and hit the sack. The house was dirty. Dinners consisted of whatever fast food my husband picked up on the way home. The long weeks stretched before us, lonely and overwhelming.

At the end of the first week of my internment I received a surprising call. We had just begun attending a small new church. In fact I had attended only once, but knew two or three families there. The friend said that the ladies of the church knew I was on bed rest, that my husband was working long hours, and they wanted to bring us meals. Not just for a few days, but until I was released to be up again.

I was incredulous. Why would these ladies, some of whom I hadn’t even met, want to bring us meals? As meal after meal arrived, night after night, I was humbled again and again. These ladies brought us meals five nights a week for seven weeks.

Knock, knock. “Hi I’m Julie,” “I’m Carol,” “I’m Lauri.” Strangers at my door, coming to serve me. When a lady named Kim came one night, I began to question her about why she was bringing us meals. She was single, worked full time as a nurse, was involved in music. Her response floored me because she gave no thought to herself, “Because you have a need.”

After she left, her answer echoed in my heart over and over. All of these women gave not out of their convenience, but because of our need. I cried that night as I repented of my own selfishness. I had only looked at what I could do when it had been convenient for me. I realized that night the Lord wanted me to give when He called because of the need, not when it fit my timetable or what I felt comfortable or even adequate to do.

Now, twenty years later, I am ashamed of how selfish I was, and can still be at times. But the Lord has graciously showed me the joy in serving, the gift I receive when I am willing to serve. This is true love and I believe it is what the Lord commanded us when He said to lay down our lives for one another.

For over a year now the Lord has shown me this first hand. I have taken meals to a friend who has multiple sclerosis and whose husband has recently gone through radiation treatment. Both of them have been at a place that even a simple meal was more than they were capable of managing. But the need was waiting to be met. Is it convenient? No. Is it always easy? No. But there is great need all around each of us and we don’t always know where our gifts of service will have the greatest impact in the hearts around us. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking someone a meal.

When I look back at how far the Lord has brought me. Wow. I'm sometimes amazed that anyone even liked me back then. And I wonder what "dirt" do I still have clinging to me today? In another 20 years, what will I look back on in awe of His redemption? Praise the Lord, He has promised to complete the work He has begun in all of us.

Writing on...

2007-05-04T08:29:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day working on a lesson which requires me to analyze an article. I am finding that while there is some basic structure to most articles, they don't all fit the format. Kind of a "duh" moment. Just like in art, there are rules, but the rules are there to lend structure not to kill creativity.

I am once again struck with how the Word applies to every area of our lives: the letter of the law kills, but the Spirit gives life. Problems arise when someone like me, who loves routine and structure, tries to abide by the letter of the law and finds that the life has been sucked right out of whatever I am working on. Okay, Lord, I get the reminder once again, I have to abide in your Spirit and follow His leading. The "rules" for any area are really only guidelines, not unchangeable laws.

My husband pointed me to a recent post by Mike Duran which I read today. It was certainly food for thought. I am still learning how to allow people in to be those supporting my writing. I have shared it only sparingly with a select few. I think partly from fear of being laughed at and partly from fear of being held accountable to actually do something. Flip sides of the same coin. Silly, really. But who can understand our warped minds and hearts? :P

Also this post caused me to consider that some of what I have been going through lately could actually be attack from the enemy who doesn't want me to write. Which makes me want to write all the more, since that confirms what the Lord has called me to do.

Another good reminder came from the post by Rachel Anne Ridge on Writer Interrupted. She wrote a analogy based on her donkey and how he has gotten stuck in ruts of his own choosing because he never looks up. Hmmmm . . .that can also certainly describe me: a creature of habit. Okay, I see the point the Lord is trying to make with me today. Gotta look up, gotta walk freely in the Spirit, dare to try to new things, and LOOK UP! :)

Senior Breakfast

2007-05-01T14:36:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we attended our daughter’s senior breakfast that included a capping ceremony. Before the ceremony, each student attending (which unfortunately wasn’t the whole class) was asked pick an individual who has been important in her life and to write whatever she wanted to express to that person. During the ceremony, the student invited that special person to put his cap on while his appreciation for that person was read aloud.

Our daughter chose her dad, which is no surprise since she is definitely a daddy’s girl. I was thrilled to be the one taking pictures. My daughter has been generous this year with expressing her appreciation to us, so what she wrote was only confirmation to us. But what moved me to tears was the sight of seeing over 125 young adults telling someone thanks.

There were the obviously moving ones: the daughter who thanked her dad who was her role model. She wrote that he has missed many important events in her life because he is serving our nation in the army. She was grateful he was here for this one.

Or the young lady who wrote proudly of how her mom has defied the doctor’s prognosis to her when he said she’d never see one child graduate from high school due to congenital heart failure. The daughter exulted, “And I’m number two!”

Or the student who picked her fifth grade teacher because she had encouraged the student when she was shy and insecure. The girl wrote that her teacher taught her it was okay to offer an answer that might be wrong and to keep learning through that too. There were students who picked a Young Life director, former and current teachers, an aunt, a sister, a brother, a grandmother; people who were instrumental in moving these teens forward in life.

There were countless students honoring dads, saying they were their heroes because they taught their sons and daughters to work hard, to believe in themselves, to stand strong even when times are tough, to dream, knowing that the parent will always support them.

There were students who honored moms for always being there, for being their best friend, for always being available to talk, for requiring them to do well in school, for believing the student could achieve when he didn’t think he could.

There were the funny comments too: You always told me, I still like you no matter what anyone else says about you. Or, you made me get out of bed every morning. Or, you kept pushing me even when I was a brat about it. And my favorite: You put diapers on my dirty behind, Mom, so I figured you could handle this cap too.

The thing that moved me the most wasn’t necessarily the specific sentiments that the kids expressed. The amazing thing to me was jock or drama queen, nerd or Mohawk-haired skater, valedictorian or the student barely getting to graduation, every one of these adolescents was grateful to at least one adult who had affected their lives and helped them reach this milestone.

The significance was a message we adults need to understand: Our efforts are not in vain. It matters every time I spend time with, talk with, hang out with, require of the kids in my world. They need adults who will believe in them and require of them, adults who can push them to give their best. In this mixed-up world we live in, so many voices are telling the youth today that they will not succeed, that their efforts don’t matter.

This is what I heard loud and clear at the breakfast: it is our voices they really want to hear and they really do listen to. They hear us even when they rebel against advice given, even when they seem to ignore it. Every investment I make in a young person’s life has lasting value even if I never see it.

That's Life essay

2007-04-27T10:25:00.000-06:00

Here's the essay I will submit to our paper for the "That's Life" column.

It’s time to clean the clutter out of the basement again. If your basement is anything like mine, it becomes a black hole. Don’t know where to put something? Stash it downstairs. Company coming? Hide the extra junk just out of sight. It has become a jungle below, out of sight, out of mind.

I know I can be a pack rat at times, but I also think the opportune moment has arrived. I am ready to do war against any memory, no matter how sentimental. In a few short weeks I will have a house full of company for my daughter’s graduation. I have to find space down there for a guest bed for my sister and her family.

As I look at all we are getting rid of this time, (this event occurs every few years) I see memories, long with junk that I can't remember getting. How strange it is that stuff seems to multiply down there. Some items, like the ceramic bunny statue, I just shake my head and wonder why we got it in the first place.

There are old vinyl records, probably 30-40 of them stacked in a box, everything from rock and roll to country and Christian pop. Bee Gees, Styx, Amy Grant, Bread. We haven’t even had the record player connected to the receiver in 10-15 years. Why have we kept the albums? I certainly don’t think we want to nail them to a wall like on “Trading Spaces.”

Then there are the children’s games and toys: baby doll beds, old games like Masterpiece and Mousetrap, soccer balls and cleats, softball helmets, puzzles, Barbie pools, and little girls’ dress up clothes. All snapshots of days gone by since all my kids are in their mid to late teens.

We also need to get rid of old sports gear like the skis that are way too long and straight, and the weight machine that was just missing a few bolts and a chain when it was given to us. Never did get those pieces and it has sat gathering dust.

There are books, ranging from old classics we picked up at garage sales that we have never read, to homeschool books, and encyclopedias I had as a child. We have lamps, pictures, and a dresser we bought at another garage sale when we had our first baby almost 20 years ago.

Time to get rid of stuff. Maybe it’s spring. Maybe it’s the transition with a child graduating. Maybe it’s by force due to the coming company. Maybe it’s all of the above. Whatever the full reason, I am ready to tackle the space and reclaim it for civilization.

Writing today: That's Life essay

2007-04-27T08:27:00.000-06:00

Today I am writing an essay for the Life section of our paper titled, "That's Life." The paper has an open call for submissions for a short essay about anything in life, big or small. They have covered everything from a teen learning to drive, to politeness, to how a family of a race car driver handles watching NASCAR. I am writing an essay about decluttering our basement. The items we are getting rid of are not needed by us any more. However they are filled with memories, some are over 20 years old. I guess I see this as an analogy to life. Sometimes we gotta clean out the clutter which is no longer serving a purpose. Well, off to write.

And by the way, thanks to all for the encouragement yesterday. I had lunch with two friends from my previous employer. Good friends, good laughter and sympathy. They lightened my heart.

Moving on, finding inspiration

2007-04-26T09:26:00.000-06:00

The last few weeks have been difficult . . . lonely . . . the isolation of being home alone, writing (and trying to keep inspired), amid what I can am calling the blues. I refuse to define it as a depression, though I certainly fit some of the symptoms. (Denial—gotta love it!) There is a reason I refuse to name it thus, there is the power of life and death in words and I won't pronounce this over myself. I will acknowledge that I am feeling depressed at times, just won't define myself that way.

As an aside, I have known people who have suffered with real depression and I am in no way judging them. This is just my way of talking positive to myself and speaking life over myself.

All I can figure is that perimenopause, along with lots of spiritual battles, and my second child getting ready to graduate high school have all combined to knock me flat. I have suffered though what I can only term "hormonal" swings with crying jags, anger, weariness. Blah! I know that is not who I am and quite frankly I am about fed up with it. I have found myself feeling hopeless and helpless as a wife, mother, prayer warrior and writer. I have thought, "There is no way I could possibly write, I don't have what it takes." When will I learn to recognize the enemy's lies sooner?

Today I have spent some time surfing, coming across come great sites for women and for writers which I have plugged in with, including Robin LeeHatcher's site, and Writer Interrupted. I also visited the Christian Women Online page–great e-mag. Anyway today I am choosing to write, whether I feel like I can or not. I have plugged in with some other writers' sites. Sometimes I think we just have to pick up and go on with the callings of our life and let the emotions follow along when they will, kind of like recalcitrant toddlers. Guess I need to treat mine as such. :P

Praise God!

2007-04-24T09:12:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update: the missing man and child returned home safely last night around 11 pm. They had been camping. Thank you Jesus!

Heavy hearted day . . .

2007-04-24T08:08:00.000-06:00

Today we are facing another snow storm. It's been a long winter this year. Amazing how we long for spring. I believe it is a spiritual thing. We long to see the world around us come alive. It reminds us of how Jesus has given us new life.

Beyond the weather, my heart is heavy, burdened with intercession. Our dear pastor's adult son and grandchild are missing. No one has seen or heard from them since last Saturday morning and everything seemed fine. The grandchild also had chicken pox. Now we have a winter storm with forecasts of up to a foot of snow where they live. The sheriff's office is looking for them. Most of last night was spent praying instead of sleeping. Please join me in praying for our pastor's wife (who has MS), his daughter-in-law (the wife), and her parents as well. Everyone is deeply concerned.

Dear Jesus, You know where they are. Please shine Your light on this circumstance. Keep them safe. Guard them from the schemes of the evil one. End the torment of not knowing where they are. Keep the hearts of their loved ones in a peace only You can bring. Help them to guard their thoughts from all speculations.

Grieving with VT

2007-04-17T08:47:00.000-06:00

What a sad day. My heart is breaking for all those affected by the shootings at Virginia Tech yesterday. My prayers are for those families who lost loved ones, for the survivors, for the other students and staff and their families, for the shooter's family. How tragic.

Our human minds cannot grasp the depth of pain/oppression/despair that must have driven the young man to this horrific end. Why he would choose to kill others for no apparent reason is beyond comprehension. As my husband noted, we cannot fathom with human understanding what is purely demonic. We are in a battle. There is an enemy who seeks to kill, rob, and destroy. What manner of fear has been let loose upon all college campuses? Upon all schools, and in all parents' hearts?

Jesus, bring light in this darkness. Bring comfort that only You can in the midst of such pain. May Your gospel burst forth upon this campus and indeed all our country even more explosively than this evil did. You shine, Jesus, all the brighter when the darkness is greater.

Busy day, time flies

2007-04-13T08:35:00.000-06:00

Today is my sweet daughter's 18th birthday. As do so many parents, I wonder where did the time go? Seems like just yesterday ... her fluffy, blond curls swirled round her two-year-old head as she picked flowers from my garden to give to me, her tiny little fingers curled round mine to stay safe as we crossed the street. Her giggles filled the house as she and her younger sister would play dress up again and again, all the way up till she entered high school and started playing dress up for real. Her easy laughter even now always lightens our home, she knows just how to make her dad laugh even after the toughest day. We joke that she has had him wrapped around her little finger since the day he held her in the hospital asking with trembling voice, how do I raise a girl?

Today, we delight in this wonderful young lady who is compassionate, discerning, knows her Lord and loves Him with her whole heart. We are excited about the plans the Lord is unfolding in her life. I do not fear for her as she leaves for college next fall, I know she is secure in the Lord's love and He will guide her safely each day. She can be intense at times, like everyone in our house :P, but she is also the one who laughs the easiest. Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of raising this beautiful young woman for you.

Today is busy with writing as well. I am working on an article about the military families today which will be both for my lesson and I am going to submit it when I get the comments back on it. I also have three other possibilities for articles to pitch which need to be done by next Wednesday. So I'm off to write!

Writing goes on, as does life

2007-04-10T08:11:00.000-06:00

Well, yesterday was semi-productive. I got some work done, not enough. :P Today I am feeling more energized and like I can be productive. Perhaps getting some more sleep helped. I know the prayers of others definitely did. Thank you.

Last night I began working on my latest lesson and it actually fits with my needs of what I am requiring myself to get done by my critique group on Friday: an interview and article. :D So I got half the lesson done and started brainstorming on what I want to do for the article. I am going to interview a military wife about a heartbreaking time she faced alone while her husband was deployed. Her little sister, only 12, died suddenly and she had to cope alone. I am going to set up to contact her perhaps tomorrow morning.

I have realized while writing and processing stuff the last week or so that we are really in a major transition in our family and it does take a toll on us in every area. Not only are we preparing for our daughter to graduate, my husband has gone through a job change at work, and the changes in our family relationships just continue to move constantly these days. I know it is not a bad thing, just have to keep adjusting, keep going with the flow, so it doesn't overwhelm me. Today I look outside at our wonderful spring time weather in April: it's snowing. Only in Colorado can we swing from 25 degrees on Sunday, to 60 degrees yesterday, to snow again today. I guess that about describes my life right now: sunny one day, snowing the next. I just have to be as prepared as I am able and enjoy what comes.

Updates

2007-04-09T08:11:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update, this is looking like a busy week. Lots of work, needing to get my Writer's Guild lesson done, meeting with my critique group Friday and am supposed to have at least one article written by then about the military families. Not sure how to juggle it all. I will update more on the writing later.

On top of that I have physical therapy continuing for my back. Trying to be patient (not a strong suit for me), but it is frustrating at times to be limited in what I can do. So I am going to try to extend my walks this week to at least get a little more exercise which will probably help with the general malaise I have been feeling.

There are many deep prayer needs as well, for dear ones in my life, so I have spent many hours (usually at night :P) interceding for the breakthroughs that are needed. All are spiritual, some physical as well. I am praying for eyes to be opened, for discernment that is keen and focused, that Jesus alone will get all the glory. I have been reminded this week that the Lord does not need nor even want my sacrifices. He wants my devotion. He has said that all I need do is obey His voice. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do when I have so many other voices clamoring for attention. These voices come to me in my own heart and desires, in the pressures of the expectations of others, of "Christianity," of commitments I have made both wisely and foolishly.

Yet this morning I read again that Jesus said the one He sets free is free indeed. Lord, help us all to leave behind the baggage that we all too easily pick up and lug around. May we all learn to walk in obedience to Your voice alone, then we shall be truly free indeed. All You have for us is life abundant.

Blessings.

Pondering

2007-03-30T08:29:00.000-06:00

I have spent some time pondering this week, trying to get a grip on what I have been feeling for a few weeks. It is almost a depressed sort of feeling, a tiredness, a weariness, which is not physical. I sometimes think that life can just knock the stuffing out of you without you even realizing it.

I think some of these feelings come from not seeing the answers/promises fulfilled yet as to what the Lord is doing. I know He is faithful. I know He is doing all that He has promised and purposed. I am just not seeing it yet. And sometimes I grow weary in the waiting. I think some of these feelings also come from getting caught in a rut in life. Sometimes I get so busy just keeping up with life stuff, you know the daily to do lists, that I am just going through the motions.

This past Sunday our pastor challenged us to DEFINE who we are.
Decide
Exactly how I am going to
Function
In a
New
Environment

The thing is that I am not sure I am in a new environment. I am in some areas, not in many. I do need time to contemplate though about who the Lord has called me to be, what my roles are, how can I glorify Him in all of them. Maybe part of the issue is that my roles are in a constant state of shifting. And I am not quite sure where to step. I know that if I can just quiet my heart to listen, He will direct me. He has promised that He will guide my steps and enlarge the place where my feet tread.

Oh, my soul, be still and know He is God. Be still, be filled, be refreshed.

Blessings

Spring break

2007-03-27T08:31:00.000-06:00

Well, this week is getting off to a slow start writing wise. Spring break will do that to you, at least if you have kids at home. So far this week has been filled with interruptions of giggling, errands, movies, etc.

My 17 yo daughter is getting ready to fly to see her brother in Oklahoma. It should be a great time for both of them and a taste of what's to come this fall for those of us at home. I am excited for her to go and yet praying a bunch for her as well.

When our kids leave home, be it for a week or much longer, our prayer life kicks into high gear. Funny thing but it's like I think I can keep them safe, healthy, spiritually strong when they are home and "only God can" when they are away. This isn't a conscious thing, but truly I am unaware of thinking, functioning, that way. Guess it's God's way of showing me (again!) that my kids are really His kids and He is the one who will keep them at all times and in all places.

Work has hit in a pile as usual. I am hoping to clear the pressing stuff off my desk by later today so that I can hit some more writing.

Productive day

2007-03-24T10:46:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a productive day in many ways. I was able to drop off some work, pick up some work, attend my critique group, and watch a new favorite movie.

My critique group ended up being only two of us, but it was a productive time for us both. Linda and I had only met once before at the writer's conference, but we got to know one another better yesterday. I read some of Linda's assignments for her journalism class and hopefully gave her some pointers.

I showed her the intro, questionnaire, and first three chapters outline for the book. She had some good input on the writing and strongly encouraged me to get some articles written about the military families since there are so many stories to tell within the book. I am thinking this will be a great way to get the initial stories out and build readership, which is something publishers like to see.

She has a contact for me who is head of a Family Readiness Group here at Fort Carson. And today on my Weight Watcher's message board group, I met a Navy wife. The Lord keeps opening so many doors. I need wisdom on how and when to walk through them. So much to do, so little time!!

And the movie I watched is a definite new favorite, "Stranger than Fiction." It has a little language and one scene of nudity (not sexual), but it is funny and also makes me think. It brings up the question of who is in control of our lives. What sort of life we lead depends greatly on what we think our purpose is and if we are really in control.

As a Christian, I know Who is in control and because of that hope, I can have peace and purpose. My life is not given over to futility. The other level I relate to in this movie is as a writer. Ah, the world of writing is a world within itself, even for the non-fiction writer. And how much more so for the fiction writer. So many have said their characters are "real" people to them. And this movie portrays that in a tragic yet comedic way. Anyway if you want a movie that makes you think, laugh, and ponder, this would be it. (Just keep in mind the couple of offensive things listed above.)

My wonderful DH is planning on working on my web site today and we are hoping to finish it! That would be great if we can. He has put so much time into this, on top of everything else for which he is responsible.

Blessings!

More writing

2007-03-22T09:54:00.000-06:00

Well, I just spent the last hour writing more for Hidden Heroes. It is starting to be a tad less difficult to write now that I have some structure. :)

I wrote more on the intro about where this whole concept came from. I know that the Lord placed this burden, this deep, deep concern on my heart for our wonderful military families. As I have pondered this more, He has shown me that some of it was birthed in my own experiences as a young girl when my dad shipped out to Thailand during the Vietnam War. As I have spent time remembering that and talking with my mom about it, I have realized how deeply it affected me.

As I spend time researching and talking with military families, I am so humbled to write this book. I don't know if I can fully express my heart, but I know it is not of me. Everyone I speak to, military or not, writer or not, leaps at the idea. Every response I have gathered has caused me to cry. It touches something so deep within me, causing me to be so grateful to these courageous families. And I long to shout from the rooftops of the depth of their sacrifice and love for our country. I want the nation to stop for just a moment and say thank you. Which honestly seems too small.

The other night my husband and I watched a movie, "We Were Soldiers," which came out a few years ago. We had borrowed it from our nephew several months ago and had been waiting to watch it. We knew we needed to be in the right place to watch it since we had heard it was intense. And it was intense. But the intensity for me wasn't the battles, which I confess to blocking with my hands most of the time. It was how the Army colonel and his wife took ownership of their troops and families. By ownership, I mean that they felt responsible. They took the burden of caring for them. That is the message I feel led to write: how can we as individuals reach out and care for military families around us?

That is why I wept from the beginning of the movie until after the final credits. I wept for the incredible loss of life. I wept for the wives and children who paid the high price. I wept for a nation that was and is unprepared, and at times unwilling, to acknowledge their sacrifices so that we can be free. Isn't it ironic that the ones who pay so high a price are the ones we sometimes choose to ignore because seeing them shakes our comfortable world? Anyway, enough preaching!

As for the writing, I also took the responses I have received to the questionnaire thus far and plugged the answers into the proper chapters. Next I will look at expanding those into full stories as I talk further with these ladies. I have several more contacts to pursue so I am off to follow up on those.

Blessings.

Sounding board

2007-03-21T10:37:00.000-06:00

I just got off a phone call with a dear, dear sister. She has no idea how vital she is in my life. She is a sounding board for me. Especially in writing the book, but in every area of life. We talk of our families, of how teenagers are, of what the Lord is doing in our hearts, of the calling on our lives. As I talk with her, I am reminded so much of God's goodness. I am reminded of how to laugh, how to pray, how to cry, how to intercede, how to carry others' burdens. She is a treasure to me.

Sherre reminds me of the old Girl Scout song (at least that's where I learned it):
Make new friends, but always keep the old, one is silver, and the other's gold.

What that song doesn't allow for is that friends move from being silver to gold. Sherre is definitely gold. As I talk with her about writing the book and she shares more of her story, she encourages me. She spurs me on to remember the vision of this book. She always broadens my vision of how and why God is callling me to write it. I hope everyone has a friend like Sherre in their lives. We all need to have someone who can not only urge us on, but help us to laugh along the journey.

Blessings.

Accomplishments

2007-03-21T08:01:00.000-06:00

Well, yesterday I made my focus statement for the book and I outlined chapters. Both are very rough, but they give me a starting place, which is something I have lacked.

I am planning on spending a bit of time starting to plug in responses I have received into the appropriate chapters, even when the stories are just rough answers. That way I have some structure to start with. I definitely do better when I have structure! Now I am off to write.

Blessings!

Dreams

2007-03-20T08:11:00.000-06:00

At church on Sunday, someone spoke about dreams that the Lord has placed in our hearts and how we must stay true to them by whatever means we can. He had been encouraging a young lady who has a passion to play violin, but felt she had no time or energy left to do so after working all day. He said start with what you do have; start with five minutes a day. Without distraction or excuses, give those five minutes fully to the Lord. Begin to appropriate that dream, one day at a time, five minutes at a time and see how the Lord will cause that time to blossom and grow until the dream He placed in you is fulfilled.

This resonated with me so much in my writing. Some days I charge ahead; some days I take two steps back. The way to appropriate anything is by making the choice today, right now, to go the way that God is calling me. Right now I have the choice to write or to burrow into the demands of the day.

Right now, I am choosing to write. Maybe not those 1000 words a day I promised myself. But I will write, even if only for five minutes. I am deciding to make small goals instead of large ones. That way I can celebrate and feel I have accomplished something. Today's goal: write a focus statement for the book. A writer buddy suggested this as a way to keep everything on track. So that is the goal today.

Find your wings

2007-03-13T08:17:00.000-06:00

In talking with my son the other day, something he said stuck with me. I thought I was doing a pretty good job letting go of my daughter as she gets ready to graduate. As loudly as I protested to him that I was, I realized that "the lady doth protest too much."

There is more letting go I have to do. Funny how I thought I was releasing her just fine, and yet there are some areas I am not. More cutting of heart strings has to be done. She is ready to fly, I must release her more. When our kids were babies, we had to trust those first times we left them. Those times we let them go to their first play dates, kindergarten, sleepovers, field trips, trips with friends, driving, dates, and on and on.

Over and over again there are more places we have to trust the Lord with our children, regardless of their ages. The letting go doesn't stop when they are away at college either. There is more releasing as they make their own decisions that will affect the course of their days and their lives. My prayer is that they always choose life. There is a book I am pulling out to reread, "Give Them Wings," by Carol Kuykendall. It is an excellent book about how to go through the process of children graduating and leaving home. I need reminding of how to let go.

The words to this Mark Harris song echo my heart's cry for each of my children, but especially my daughter right now:

"Find Your Wings"
It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

Chorus:

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

Isn't this every parent's prayer? It certainly is mine for all three of my children. I pray daily that they will walk only in the truth. I pray that the Lord will fill their hearts with dreams and the courage to pursue them. That they will have the passion and conviction to follow Him, not out of duty but devotion. I pray their hearts will always know how much He loves them and how much we love them. I may have tears as they take off, but there is no one cheering louder as they fly.

Writing one of Melissa's stories

2007-03-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

Today's project is working on one of Melissa's stories. She was gracious enough to fill out my questionnaire about military families. So today I will work on a piece from her responses. I am just writing at this point and not trying to tie things all together yet. I figure that as I write, the links will become more obvious to me.

I also had a thought about getting some more writing "out there." Our newspaper has an online version for each neighborhood which is open to anyone posting stories, etc. I am going to start doing a "mom" blog on it each week and see if maybe they will pick it up for either the print version each week or perhaps the Pikes Peak Parent which is a larger monthly insert across the region.

And I have two more editing projects I have to get off my desk today. Nothing like being busy.

Not much writing today

2007-03-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Just a quick accountability check. Not much writing happened today. Instead I ran from a doctor's appointment for my back, home briefly, to an appointment at the dentist, then to a massage (AHHHH!) and then home again to take care of life here.

My back is one of those things in life that I can either choose to get frustrated about or choose to look up and see how God will get the glory. Basically I have several discs which are compressed. I think the doctor said degenerated. But they are not bad enough to require major intervention, for which I am very grateful. This is what I felt the Lord speaking to me in the midst of waiting for x-ray results.

The part which could be frustrating is that there is nothing the medical community can do, my back will just go into spasms throughout the rest of my life whenever it chooses to do so. I, instead, am choosing to do all that I can (physical therapy, exercise, weight management) so that I can live as fully as possible. And when the Lord allows my back to spasm, I will choose to sit at His feet and rest. While the pain can be difficult to bear at those times, I am finding that whether I am up and going or laid down in a spasm, I can be at peace when I know that all of my days are in His hand.

Now, I hear a hot bath calling me to soak my aching muscles.
Blessings

Writing update and accountability

2007-03-07T15:55:00.000-07:00

Well, today's writing consisted of doing my next lesson. The only "fun" part of it was getting to discuss what my book idea is about and who my target audience is.

Yesterday I was working on a piece told to me by a dear friend about a lesson the Lord taught her in the midst of a difficult move. (Sherre if you see this, know that I will be calling you soon for more details!!) He told her to plant flowers. That has stuck with me on so many levels. The Lord wants to beautify our lives, but many times He is asking us to get down in the dirt so the preparation is what it needs to be, otherwise the flowers won't thrive. I like to enjoy flowers and I don't even mind planting them. But I don't particularly like to prepare the soil ahead of time (can you say, manure?) and I don't like weeding. Both of which are necessary for flowers to thrive. And Jesus promised us a life which will thrive. (See John 10:10.)

The Lord required my friend to plant perennials even knowing that as a military wife, she would only get to enjoy them briefly. But how many of us only want to plant when and where we choose and what will bring us pleasure? The lesson Jesus was teaching my dear sister was that it wasn't about her. It was about investing right where she was that day. (Ah, yes, that lesson we have to be taught over and over it seems.) Her story has stuck with me vividly.

I also thought I would post my book idea so if anyone has anymore thoughts along this line or you know someone who is in the military, please send them my way. The book is about America’s unsung heroes: military families.

They are resourceful, tough, adaptable, and resilient. They face day-in and day-out battles to stay strong, to take care of life at home, to fight fears and questions, to keep the home fires burning. They have to be ready to move across country or overseas whenever Uncle Sam orders.

How do these courageous women and men waiting at home fight off the depression, loneliness, fear, and boredom? How do they manage to preserve a relationship not knowing when, and sometimes if, they will see their loved one again? What strength and resourcefulness do they exhibit as they juggle paying bills, nursing sick children, holding down jobs, fixing the leaky toilet all while waiting to hear if their loved one is safe one more day?

These are our unseen, unrecognized warriors. They may not wear the uniform, but they fight to maintain life at home so our soldiers can fight without distractions. The battles these hidden warriors face not only rage while the loved one is away. They may continue even when their soldier returns: He or she may be battle-weary, experiencing post-traumatic stress, or injured. These are the stories of America’s hidden heroes. They are our neighbors, our co-workers, and the parents of our children’s classmates.

In understanding military families and their incredible sacrifices, we can learn to how to support them daily, lending an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and a heart to rejoice with them.

Blessings!

New look, meeting goals

2007-03-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

Another quick note today. I did meet my goal of writing yesterday and today, though I didn't get that interview with my dad yet. I'll have to touch base with him when he gets to Florida. The rest of today will be filled with a proofreading job which I'll do around my daughter getting her wisdom teeth out.

I changed the look of my blog mainly because I feel that this one fits me better. My son had suggested a few and I went with the first one I liked in the original set up. Also, as anyone who has lived with me knows, I like to change things up sometimes. I don't plan on doing that too much here though. Let me know what you think.

Blessings!

Grace in which I stand

2007-03-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

I had a really rough afternoon and evening fighting negative thoughts about myself. I struggle in watching my health, as I continue to have back issues and my weight is fluctuating due to lack of exercise and stress eating. I struggle in moving forward in the writing I feel called to do. Yesterday I hit the point of actually saying to the Lord, "Why did you put this burden on me? Who am I to do this?"

Even as I write this, I see (I am really slow!) the enemy's voice again. I just read recently about Moses begging God to send someone else, send Aaron who is better gifted. Aren't I just like him? As I read on another blog, I may forget what I wrote a few days ago, but the Lord does not! This is just what the Lord spoke to me last week. And this morning I read in Romans about the grace in which I stand. I had to ask myself, am I standing in grace? Many days I have failed in standing in grace and not only standing, but taking the next step.

Many times it is easy for me to have grace for others, for their struggles, concerns, questions, etc. But for me, there is very little. I am a very harsh master to myself. I have so little room for myself when I doubt or when I stumble in one area or another. I just want to berate myself and usually do so. I expect perfection and think I must exact a just punishment when I fail, which I frequently do. Perfection is a tough standard. This unfortunately makes me harsh to those around me as well. If I can have so little grace for me, how can I possibly give grace to others?

In Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest he writes in today's selection: "It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator - the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen; the next step in your duty, when there is no vision from God, no enthusiasm and no spectator. . . . We flag when there is no vision, no uplift, but just the common round, the trivial task. The thing that tells in the long run for God and for men is the steady persevering work in the unseen, and the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you. . . ."

I want that steady persevering work in my life. I choose today to look up, to ask the Lord to keep my eyes open, to forgive myself for being human, but to stand up in the grace He has given and take the next step.

May His grace blanket you today. May you rest at His feet. Be still before Him and allow your heart to be refreshed.

Writing goals

2007-03-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

I have realized that I am a goal-oriented person. And as much as I stress under deadlines sometimes, I actually am much more productive when I have them to push me.

With that said, I am establishing writing goals of working on the book about military families for at least 1 hour per day/5 days per week. I will write at least 1000 words per day so that within 14 weeks I will have a first draft done. I want the first draft finished by mid-June. That gives me a couple of weeks off when family will be here for my daughter's graduation at the end of May. And I want my proposal ready to go before the end of May.

I have already written about 500 words this morning and then called my mom to interview her about the time my dad was deployed when I was a girl. So I still have more writing to accomplish today, although I have spent over an hour on the project. I am going to call my dad later today to talk with him about that time frame and I know that will help fill in some of the blanks for me as well.

I also have written an article for MOMSense magazine which I will polish this week and send off to them. And then I have to work at editing. While I do still enjoy the editing, I am finding more and more that it is like a rude interruption when I really want to spend my time writing. Ah, well. . .income is still needed, so work I must. When I feel like whining, I just remind myself that there are many writers out there who work full time and still manage to write. So I just need to get over myself and get to work!

I am also planning on posting at least 4-5 days per week. I realize I don't have to be profound or go on at length to blog. Enough said, work is calling.

Good movie

2007-02-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing
small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't
feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the
glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson

This is a quote that was used in the movie, “Akeelah and the Bee.” It is an excellent movie that had great themes of redemption in it. (Other than a little language at the beginning, it was clean of offensive material, and I would highly recommend it.) The story starts with a little girl who speaks of not knowing how or where she fits in life. She is looking for purpose. Something many of us, Christian or not, struggle with at times.

As she begins training for a spelling bee, her coach has her read the above quote. It struck me so much that I played that scene over and over in order to write it down. And while the overall premise is definitely new age in nature, yet I find pieces of truth interwoven throughout it. (Isn’t that what all false beliefs do? Use only portions of the truth?)

Sometimes I do find myself fearing success more than I do failure. Maybe it is because then I know others will be looking to me, that I will have no excuse to hide behind anymore. Maybe it is that my own insecurities will be manifest in the light. Sometimes I think we are afraid of standing successfully because it stands out so distinctly in our fallen world. God is not pleased with those who shrink back, but He calls us to be those who press in.

And isn’t it so like our enemy to whisper in our ear, “Who do you think you are that you would dare to be . . .” I listen to those lies way too often. Forgive me Lord. Yet our mighty, powerful, redeeming God has said that He has given us everything pertaining to life and godliness. He has said that He will complete the work He has begun in us. He has called us to let our light so shine before men that they will see our good works and glorify our Father in heaven.

And I find it true that the Lord does use each one of us to encourage others as He sets us free from fear and beckons us to the light. This is why He exhorts us not to forsake the gathering together. As one of us is encouraged to step out in faith, others are as well.

May you be encouraged today to let your light shine!

Busy Saturday

2007-02-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

I probably won't be posting tomorrow since we are doing our taxes, then filing the FAFSA for Chris and Beth, then I plan on updating my blog with some suggestions that Chris strongly hinted at adding. So look for a few updates on the blog by late tomorrow. At least assuming that the taxes and FAFSA don't take all day.

If it isn't updated by around 5, it isn't happening yet because tomorrow night I have a date with a good book, "The Last Sin-Eater," by Francine Rivers. It has been waiting for me for two weeks! That is a long time for me to not pick up a book which has been staring at me from my dresser. I haven't even had time to read the back cover copy! I will have complete quiet as David and the girls will be attending the Daddy-Daughter dance. I am blessed that they can have this special time. It will be something for them to treasure.

Sabbath rest

2007-02-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

Daily it seems as though I get up, rush through morning preparations, work through my days, run errands, prepare dinner, and attend meetings. Then I collapse into bed at night, only to start all over again. I am feeling exhausted. The exhaustion is not only physical, it is mental and emotional and spiritual as well. It seems that our society is so focused on going constantly that we no longer know how to have down time. My youngest daughter is always involved in an after school activity. My other daughter runs from school to work, then home to do homework. My college-age son mentioned a similar feeling earlier in the week in his blog. It is prevalent in our society.

Today at lunch when I read my Bible, Exodus 35:2 (NASB) spoke loudly to me: "For six days work may be done, but on the seventh day you shall have a holy day, a sabbath of complete rest to the LORD." God created our world in six days and on the seventh day He rested. The Message ends a similar verse (Exod. 31:15) this way: "on the seventh day he [God] stopped and took a long, deep breath." Hmmmm. I am seeing a tie-in with what the Lord has been showing me that I wrote about in my last post. Breathe deeply.

The Hebrew definition of Sabbath implies an intermission, a day of rest, not to work. It is sanctified as a time of reflection, a time of refreshment. How often my Sundays are spent rushing to church, only to rush home to complete that task left waiting, that chore yet to be done, that shopping still needed?

As I contemplated this, I had to consider not only my Sundays, but my whole life as well. How many times have we planned a vacation that is packed with activities? Or rushed from place to place? Isn't that what every day looks like? Where is the refreshment in that? God does want us to have a Sabbath, not as a rule to be enforced, but as a day of refreshment. Do I even know what refreshment means anymore?

God wants us to have time to take that intermission, a chance to recharge our batteries not only spiritually, but physically and emotionally. He wants us to have time to reflect, to think deeply about what He is speaking to us, about the direction our lives are headed. I don't believe He ever intended for us to rush through life without direction. He couldn't as that is the opposite of who He is. He is intentional, even about rest.

I have felt convicted by this verse. I am choosing to rest on a weekly basis. I will take time to reflect, contemplate, and be refreshed.

Blessings

Gotta learn to breathe again

2007-02-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

I began physical therapy for a chronic back condition late last week in the midst of preparations for the writing conference. I went in ready to work out. After an evaluation, the therapist began working with me. The first thing I needed to learn to do was breathe.

Okay, I don't know what I have been doing all these 40+ years. I thought I was breathing: taking air in, blowing air out. Problem was, I have not been breathing correctly. I have only been breathing shallowly. I have to retrain myself to breathe deeply, correctly, as I did when I was a child. The therapist told me that by the time many people hit their teens, they no longer breathe correctly.

So my first step of PT consisted of laying on the cot, breathing. I had to learn how to engage my whole diaphragm and all of my lungs, instead of only the top portion. After this, I could begin to learn how to stretch properly. Again, all my knowledge had to be thrown out. The stretches I am doing don't look like stretches at all. They look like I am barely moving, barely holding a position.

And this got me thinking: how much of my life have I spent on the shallow end of things? How many things have I thought I knew how to do, only to find that I have been causing myself more pain? Time to go back to basics. Time to learn again what I thought I knew.

The Lord has longed for a relationship with me that is deeply intimate. But it has been too easy for me to stay shallow. Yes, I am still in relationship with Him, I still spend time with Him. But I am denying the very thing which will not only give me life, but also cleanse me. When I breathe shallowly, I am not expelling the carbon dioxide fully. Therefore, toxins build up in my system, which only exacerbates muscle tension and stress. The same is true when I just do the bare minimum time with the Lord. He has been showing me to go deeper in His word the last couple of months, and I have been spending extended time in reading and praying.

(Chorus:)
The dreams I dream for you
Are deeper than the ones you're clinging to
More precious than the finest things you knew
And truer than the treasures you pursue
Let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from view
Then take the cup I offer
And drink deeply of
The dreams I dream for you

How many areas of my life have I lived through, but not truly lived? I have gone through my days, doing what needed to be done, but there was no passion, no vitality? It is because I stayed shallow, which is very easy to do. What the Lord has been asking me is, what am I passionate about? What am I excited to pursue? Writing is obviously one thing. But there are others, waiting to be rediscovered. I am going back and thinking about when I was young. What did I dream of? What did I long for? What hopes did I have? I would encourage each reader to do the same. The Lord longs to set us free, to be who He created us to be, to dream the dreams He has for us.

Blessings!

Writing for the Soul conference

2007-02-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

Wow! That about sums up the Writing for the Soul conference. There were about 400 people in attendance and we were all so encouraged by the wonderful speakers. Before I even begin to tell of all the Lord did in me, I must commend the speakers. Each one, regardless of their level of success (and they are very successful), all credited the Lord with their gifts, all established that their writing was a platform from the Lord to tell others about the gospel. I had gone to the conference not knowing what manner of people I would encounter. I have to say, I didn't meet one person with ego issues. All were humble and grateful. I would strongly encourage other writers to attend a Christian writing conference if possible.

The writers and editors I met were wonderful. New friends were instantly made. And each time I shared with either another writer or an editor what I felt led to write about, the response was incredibly positive. Each one would say something about how important it is right now for us to support not only the military personnel, but their families as well.

Now as to the contacts I made: the day before the conference I met my writing mentor and she was so encouraging and told me which publisher I should approach. She introduced me to that editor on Thursday night and gave a strong recommendation for both the project and me. On Friday I met with that editor from Moody and she wants to see a proposal from me. That is very positive since they don't always ask to see a proposal.

I also met with Focus on the Family and MomSense magazines to discuss writing for their publications. Both were very encouraging and not only gave me the standard cards, but passed along direct contacts for the editors with whom I would be working. The Editorial Director from Focus actually encouraged me to call and meet with the editor in person. That is almost unheard of in the publishing world.

At lunch on Saturday, I was at a table with the CBN.com representative. After hearing the Hidden Heroes book idea, he told me to stop by after lunch. I did so and he opened him Palm and cell phone to pass along personal contact information for a woman who has a son who has been deployed three times to Iraq. She runs a speaker training service and has written some articles on this topic. The doors that were opened to me were incredible. Contacts are normally more closely guarded, but here everyone was freely sharing.

At Saturday night's dinner a group of us ended up sitting with the Moody editor. A gentleman at the table was asking each of us about our writing. I was able to share the concept again about our military families and the editor was able to see for herself the avid attention everyone gave to the idea. I had tried to communicate this to her when we met, but what an opportunity the Lord provided for her to see how the public responds to it.

On Sunday evening, I had the blessing visiting with my sister who was in town overnight. I drove to pick her up from a friend's house. When her friend asked about my writing, she eagerly jumped in saying she had some families she knew who would be excited to talk with me.

The doors which are opening are wide. I just have to walk through them. I stand in awe of the Lord and what He is doing. The next few weeks will be filled with writing a book proposal and contacting the magazines. When the Lord opens a door, no one can shut it. I pray that I will be attentive and faithful to follow His leading in all of this.

Blessings.

Preparations!

2007-02-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

Preparations for the writing conference continue in earnest. I spent most of Saturday researching the publishers and agents who will be present. Still trying to decide who I want an appointment with. Meanwhile, the web site got stalled since our hard drive failed. So instead of finishing the web site, David (my husband) had the joy of rebuilding and restoring. Well, I figure, the web site will be up when it gets there.

I have spent today doing more research, redesigning business cards and beginning to contemplate which writing samples I want to pull to discuss/show at the conference. I am tired already and the 16 hour days haven't begun yet! And I need to complete my writing lesson which is due by Thursday. I am really thankful that I don't have much editing work this week!

I realized that I am undergoing a transformation as I am write more. I am thinking more like a writer. The only way I can relate this is that it is like learning a foreign language. You finally reach a point when you start thinking in not just speaking the foreign language. This came to me when I was driving to meet my husband for lunch last week. There I am driving down a road when this whole story comes to me.

What if you were driving down this road and a car going the opposite direction swerves suddenly, causing the semi-dump truck in front of you to jackknife. You turn sharply to the right, only to realize too late there is a school bus just pulling up from your blind spot. The last thing you know is a flash of yellow and the grinding crunch of metal on metal. When you awake in intensive care, there is a stranger sitting there. He grabs you hand and starts crying, "Thank God! Thank God!" You stare at him blankly and wonder who is this guy?? When the nurse comes in, she agrees that it is a miracle that his wife is awake. Wait a minute—wife? Then you realize you have no memory whatsoever. No memory of your name, your life, your husband, your children. How do you go on? How do you rebuild a life when there is no guarantee you memory will ever return?

This all flashed through my mind in a split second while simply driving to lunch. When I shared it with my spouse, I have to say he gave me a little bit of an incredulous look. He thought I was a little odd. That's when it hit me. I am thinking like a writer. I am allowing my imagination to flow more freely. Then I came across this quote from Oswald Chambers.

"The starvation of the imagination is one of the most fruitful sources of exhaustion and sapping in a worker's life. . . .Imagination is the greatest gift God has given us and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him. . . .Learn to associate ideas worthy of God with all that happens in Nature—the sunrises and the sunsets, the sun and the stars, the changing seasons, and your imagination will never be at the mercy of your impulses, but will always be at the service of God."

Our God is creative God. And my creativity will flow when I am listening to Him and learning from His incredibly creative world.

Writing is work!

2007-02-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

I have known that writing is hard work. I just would rather forget the grunge work that has to happen alongside the actual fun writing! The next few days I will be spending doing research on the various publishers and agents who are attending the conference next week. Then I need to decide which ones I will contact and write out some questions I want to ask them.

I also need to pull some writing samples to show them my style and voice. Depending on which publishers I will be contacting, I will need to find/write samples that will fit their market. I finally need to prepare a query for the book about military families so that I can also get their input on it. Lots of work. I don't particularly like this end of things simply because it's hard to define "productive" in this area. I am praying for clear direction for all of this. I want to be as prepared as possible at the conference. I know the Lord has me attending for a reason. I will just have to wait and see if that has anything to do with writing or if the reason is more focused on a person whom I will connect with. I will have to be alert in all areas. Hmmm. . . isn't that what He has been saying? I want to make the most of the opportunities I am given, for the time is short.

Blessings!

Exciting news

2007-02-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Well, some exciting news on the writing front! Yesterday my questionnaire for military spouses went out in a Family Readiness Group newsletter for the Texas National Guard. I am not sure of the reach of this newsletter, but I already received a reply from a lady in Omaha. I feel as though the ride has begun and I am just holding on tight! I am trembling, yet also very excited to see how the Lord brings Hidden Heroes (my working title) together. These families sacrifice so much. What an honor to tell their stories.

On a similar front, next week is the Writing for the Soul writer's conference. I will be learning from some of the best in the Christian publishing world. I am unsure at this point if I will be meeting with any publishers or agents one on one. Still praying over direction there and doing research.

Also, my Christian Writer's Guild mentor will be here to speak at the conference. I offered to act as tour guide to her on Wednesday. We will have the majority of the day to discuss all manner of writing and querying. I am thrilled to have some time getting to know her and also to be able to pick her brain.

Blessings.

Little boys, little joys

2007-02-06T18:50:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday ended on a similar note to how it began. I had a very minor fender bender late yesterday afternoon. I came home, cried, and got on with life. By about 7:30 I retreated to a hot bubble bath and tried to soothe away not only the tension from a day gone awry, but from a heart gone awry.

I had started the day with such a chip on my shoulder. Where it came from, I am unsure. All I know is that it got fed all day long as one thing after another had some sort of snag to it until I was wiped out. All I could do as I soaked in the steamy bath was ask the Lord to cleanse me once again. And again I realized how totally self-absorbed I can be at times. The whole day was all about me. What a waste. What a shame to bring to my Lord.

Today as I began again, I still felt heavy-hearted. Like my heart had gotten scratched, not just my new car. I strove to put it behind me and move ahead. But today, again, was a day of fits and starts. I was on my way to meet my prayer partner when she called me saying she was sick. I went to start my old car to meet my daughter at the dentist and the battery was dead. These are the type of days I just have to step back and say, "Okay, Lord. I stop. I wait on You."

As I did that today, He blessed me in unexpected ways. I took my dog for a walk as usual. The high was around 60 degrees and it was a gorgeous day to be outside. As I strolled up the sidewalk, two little boys around 4 years old stopped in front of me on their little scooters. One was blond with a slight sprinkling of freckles, very talkative. Obviously the leader. The other was dark-haired, dark-eyed, and fairly quiet.

The blond leader asked to pet my dog. Golden retrievers have that affect on both young and old frequently. After my reply, both boys approached Asher to pet him and let him lick their little hands. Then the dark haired boy was off, back to gather his scooter. The blond one proceeded to invite me into his world. "You can get to know me. I live in that house there. My friend lives in this house here. You can know me."

I thanked him, told the boys to have a good day, and moved on with my walk. But the image of the boy and his response stayed with me. When I had told him to have a good day, he said, "I will!" There was no politeness to his reply as we adults are prone to do. No false smile. His was genuine. His joy in his day, with wherever it took him, was complete. He didn't know what the next 15 minutes were going to look like, much less the rest of the day. Yet there was no concern, no weight on his shoulders. He was content.

As I walked, I mulled over his lesson to me. Jesus said we are to come to Him as a little child. I have lost sight of that. I have forgotten how to rest in my Father's care and just let my day unfold as He pleases. After all, He is the one in control. I have also forgotten how to constantly and eagerly invite not only the Lord, but anyone I meet to join me. "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

Blessings.

Ugh, Monday

2007-02-05T08:42:00.000-07:00

Why are Mondays so hard sometimes? I don't know if it is tiredness from a busy weekend or just the thought of all I have to accomplish in the week ahead of me. Whatever the case, I know I need refreshing and the Lord's perspective.

Just yesterday I was reading in Matthew where Jesus admonished us not to worry. Yesterday I thought, "Okay, I can do that. I don't worry too much about what is going to happen tomorrow. I know God will provide." Then today hits and after a partial meltdown over nothing, I realize that I am worrying about tomorrow. I do have anxiety about what my day holds. I should know by now from past experience that if I will just take things one at a time as they come, I won't be overwhelmed. But instead, I find myself stressed about the entire day and the entire week and even the week after this. Not good.

How little I truly trust the Lord. I see that I am stressed because as the writing is progressing, I am feeling the weight of expectations of others regarding the book. If I am asking for input and the input is coming, don't I "owe" those contributors some output? The answer is both yes and no. Yes, I do need to allow them to see the fruit of sharing their stories with me. At the same time, I must constantly remind myself that I am accountable to God alone. It is before my Master I will stand or fall. So, I am taking a deep breath, letting go of perceived expectations, and abandoning this again to Him.

On a couple of other notes: what a blessing to see Tony Dungy giving all the glory to the Lord last night. And what a gracious man Lovie Smith is. Both men are truly examples of those who shine the Lord through their quiet and gracious lives. We should all strive for such.

And keep praying over the new vaccination for HPV. The drug company producing this is waging an extremely expensive campaign to launch this. While the premise is that a vaccine can prevent this virus, and thereby some cervical cancer, their push to want all women immunized is motivated purely by money. Though, of course, this is masked by concern for our health.

But why do are they pushing to have all 11-12 year old girls immunized? It is because the drug is only effective if it is taken before sexual contact. In effect, they are saying that all girls will be sexually active and promiscuous. If a young woman waits for marriage and is a monogamous relationship, she has no chance of catching this virus.

What is scary is that here in Colorado, the legislature is pushing a law to make this a mandatory immunization. And in Texas, the governor didn't want to deal with debate in his legislature so he made it an executive order for all girls 9-18. And he has ties to the drug company, Merck, and to Women in Government. For a good discussion on this, go to Angela Hunt's blog (a much more well-know writer!) http://alifeinpages.blogspot.com/

There is much we need to be in prayer about and the focus is definitely not on me. Thanks for the perspective, Lord, even as I wrote this!

Blessings!

Up and downs

2007-01-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me that I can experience such lows after a time of productivity and progress. Maybe these are normal fluctuations in energy and effort. Maybe they are just my nature.

The last few weeks have been incredibly busy as far as writing goes. Yesterday I submitted my first article. I have been excited to build my blog this week and help my husband build my web page. I have interviews lined up for the book I am working on. I am signed up for a writer's conference in two weeks. I have completed Lesson 3 in the Christian Writer's Guild.

And yet today, I am feeling insecure, wondering if I know what I am doing. Or worse, questioning if this is valuable. Is it something worthwhile to be devoting so much time and energy on? I guess my problem is that I always want immediate feedback. And most of the time, it's not there. Things which have value usually require work over the long haul to see results. Take exercise for example, or a diet. When I start either one, I am gung-ho—dedicated and strongly motivated. When I don't see results after a week or two, even little ones, I want to give up. That is my lazy and unredeemed nature.

The Lord tells us that we have need of endurance and that He delights in those who will press in and not shrink back. Oh, how far I have to go in this area! And writing is the same: It is discipline and hard work, things not too many of us are fond of.

The Lord encouraged me with a verse I read today: "I am your shield, your very great reward" (Gen. 15:1 NIV).
I need to learn to receive my reward, whatever that looks like in each circumstance, from Him alone instead of looking for some sort of external result or motivation. I shouldn't always look to some external pat on the back. After all, He is my reason for writing, for pressing on in every area, for living.

May you see Him as your reward today.
Kerry

First submission

2007-01-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I submitted my first article. It was a piece I wrote for Chicken Soup for the Empty Nester's Soul. I guess I will find out in a few weeks/months if they bought it. The piece actually flowed out so quickly. Guess that's what happens when you write freely from the heart.

That is an area in which the Lord is freeing me. I have struggled for so long to write unhindered by my own fears. Since I am a perfectionist, I fight to not be constantly editing as I write. I have also wrestled against flowing with what the Spirit has put on my heart to write. Sometimes I have felt that I had no end to the thoughts in my heart; other times I couldn't put two sentences together.

As I have pondered why that is, my conclusion is that the words stop flowing when I have not taken time to be still before the Lord. There is something that happens when I silence my hectic day, thoughts, and heart just to sit at His feet and listen. That is when I am released. That is when I can hear clearly, and therefore the words flow easily. I am learning, quite slowly, how to be like Mary and let all the busyness of life stop while I sit at His feet.

This morning as I was reading, this verse struck me: "But you have been anointed by [you hold a sacred appointment from, you have been given an unction from] the Holy One ..." 1 John 2:20, AMP. This is the reason why I have felt so freed as I have begun to write. He has anointed me for this, He has given me the unction to do it. That not only encourages me greatly, it also makes me tremble; for I am accountable to Him for every word I write.

May He encourage you along your way today.
Blessings,
Kerry

Beginnings

2007-01-29T15:41:00.000-07:00

Today I have jumped into the 21st century! Though at times I have resisted technology to the point that my dear husband and son have labeled me a technophobe, I am joining the conversation. Hopefully my posts will help other beginning writers (and others just beginning to step out in their gifts) to have the courage to do so.

I have always longed to write, but struggled with feeling inadequate to the point that I was terrified to do so, even for myself. While I may want to lay some blame on my own perception growing up that my parents valued the practical beyond pursuing dreams, the truth of the matter is I walked in fear. I am not speaking of the feeling a little timid, but the overwhelming, no way can I do that!! kind of fear. The kind that says I am stupid for even considering this.

But what I have come to realize is that not only did the Lord give this gift to me, but that I am worshipping Him when I write what He shows me. And I have an enemy who has fought fiercely to keep me from writing. That tells me that the Lord does want to use me, otherwise why would the devil throw out so much resistance?

In being honest about the fits and starts of walking this out, I pray others will be encouraged. Let us begin . . .