The last few weeks have been difficult . . . lonely . . . the isolation of being home alone, writing (and trying to keep inspired), amid what I can am calling the blues. I refuse to define it as a depression, though I certainly fit some of the symptoms. (Denial—gotta love it!) There is a reason I refuse to name it thus, there is the power of life and death in words and I won't pronounce this over myself. I will acknowledge that I am feeling depressed at times, just won't define myself that way.
As an aside, I have known people who have suffered with real depression and I am in no way judging them. This is just my way of talking positive to myself and speaking life over myself.
All I can figure is that perimenopause, along with lots of spiritual battles, and my second child getting ready to graduate high school have all combined to knock me flat. I have suffered though what I can only term "hormonal" swings with crying jags, anger, weariness. Blah! I know that is not who I am and quite frankly I am about fed up with it. I have found myself feeling hopeless and helpless as a wife, mother, prayer warrior and writer. I have thought, "There is no way I could possibly write, I don't have what it takes." When will I learn to recognize the enemy's lies sooner?
Today I have spent some time surfing, coming across come great sites for women and for writers which I have plugged in with, including Robin LeeHatcher's site, and Writer Interrupted. I also visited the Christian Women Online page–great e-mag. Anyway today I am choosing to write, whether I feel like I can or not. I have plugged in with some other writers' sites. Sometimes I think we just have to pick up and go on with the callings of our life and let the emotions follow along when they will, kind of like recalcitrant toddlers. Guess I need to treat mine as such. :P
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Ohhhh ... gotta love those hormones! I've thought, "You know, I'm going thru a divorce (or whatever), do I have to deal with PMS and a period, too?!!!!!!!" Not only that, but gotta remember to purchase tampons ... you know ... somedays you really do just wanna scream!!! And then, for some reason, my girls think that if I'm having a grumpy day, they get to, too! Since when did I have to share my PMS *before* they begin cycling?!!!!!!!
Actually ... sometimes when the three of us are just about to explode, we DO scream! We go, "One ... Two ... Three ..." and then we scream at the top of our lungs for as long as we can! Two or three times in a row, and we are feelin MUCH better!!!
Someone told me once to get into my car alone with windows up and scream! It is amazing what getting in a good, healthy, appropriate scream will do for the hormonal soul ;"
My mentor told me the story more than once of when she went through menopause. She said she bragged about making it all the way through without any meds! And her sweet husband said, "Yeah, but you should have taken some!" tehehehehehe
btw - having a child graduate from HS and head to college is, in many ways for a mom, a great *loss* which will send us into grief. Depression, anger, weariness ... all a part of grieving. They don't go in order ... more like a ball on a raquetball court bouncing off the walls. VERY frustrating. (Actually, beating the fire out of a raquet ball would probably feel great ;)
Dear God, one of the great complexities of life is hormones. I don't get it. PMS, perimenopause, menopause ... why do we have to wait till years *through* menopause till we can look hormones in the rear-view mirror? I'm sure you have reason, but it's hard when in the middle of it all. And grieving is so hard. And mix it all together ... it's just rough. I lift Kerry up to You, Lord. Cover her and comfort her in the depths of her heart and soul as only You can. I love You, Ame
My wife's struggles in these areas are so very real for her! As her husband (helpmate) I want so very much to be able to help, encourage, ask questions, to do whatever I can to help her through the roller coaster times she is experiencing... BUT as one that has ZERO relational comprehension (being a guy) of what female hormones do to the emotions, sometimes the best thing and only thing I can do is keep quiet, hold her and tell her I love her [and pray quietly for both of us].
Thank God for the grace he gives us today for today!
Ame—(Actually, beating the fire out of a raquet ball would probably feel great ;) LOL!!! This is sooooo true! :P
And yes, the girls do start "cycling" before they're really going. Having three women in one house at time is "interesting" to say the least. Let's just say that a few years ago, David and Chris wanted to go on semi-regular camping trips. Thanks for your prayers.
Semi-regular? Meaning about 13 a year? Yeah, you could say that... :-p
I'm praying for you, Mom. I don't know if you remember, but you hit the same phase in a lot of ways around the same time of year two years ago... More complications now, of course, but nevertheless, I think Ame hit a lot of it on the head regarding the "loss" of it all. I know God has a wonderful way through this for you. I love you!
"Thirteen camping trips a year!" Wham! "Hit that darn ball! What are they thinking anyway! Who are *they* to get to run and hide every few weeks!" Slam! "Darn, that ball just will NOT do what it's supposed to do!" Wham! "Okay, that ball is NOT my husband's head!" Pop "Oops ... glad this is an enclosed raquetball court! ... Ouch! That was the back of *my* head!!! ... I have a better idea ... why don't *I* take a spa trip about thirteen times a year!" Wham! "Yeah! that sounds MUCH better!"
tehehehehehehe
(You know ... I've always thought that it would be SO beneficial to a marriage if the husband also had a really good relationship with his wife's gynocologist ... not that we want them going behind our backs, but sometimes the GYN could give our husbands some really helpful info ... and occasionally they may need to "inform" him/her of what's going on when we can't see the forest for the trees.)
Ame-LOL!! I want the spa days too! Where do we sign up??? :D
Do you realize how COLD it gets here? Just thinking about trying to camp here in the winter makes my joints hurt. I'd rather stay at home and endure the three females with PMS.
... I like racquetball, but I don't think I'd want to be locked in one of those little rooms with Ame! Too much pent up aggression! I'd be afraid of getting hit in the back of the head with a racket. :-D
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
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