Finding time...

I am having a hard time finding time to do the things that nourish my heart or "sharpen the saw" in Steven Covey terms. It seems like we just keep getting busier and busier and time slows for no man. :)

Anyway tonight I was working on one of my guild lessons and while I have found most of the lessons really helpful and felt that I learned something from each of them... I must say that screenwriting should be labeled screamwriting for me. :p

I have other things I want/need to write and yet I can't seem to find the motivation when I do actually have the time. And with summer here and two girls at home, there seems to always be someone around. Don't get me wrong, I love having the girls home. I also like time alone since I seem to need that to think and write.

When I tried to explain to my husband about how I need to get lost in the writing world I am creating, he didn't get it at first. I told him that when I am writing fiction (or even some non-fiction), I get immersed in the world and interruptions (yes, even little ones) stop the flow of thoughts and ideas.

Just a day or two later he sent me this quote: “The author in his book must be like God in his universe, everywhere present and nowhere visible.” – Gustave Flaubert (French Novelist). I appreciate his encouragement to me.

I am planning to get a few articles written this weekend for a magazine that I think would be a good fit for my writing and my passion. That's about all on the writing front for now. Besides trying to find time to get into my protagonist's head and talk with her some more. I may just take Saturday as a writing sabbatical and run away somewhere (close) and spend the day writing.

Blessings

CCWC

I attended the Colorado Christian Writers Conference this past week and had a fabulous time. It always amazes me what the Lord has in store.

Of course I learned a ton about writing. But part of what I learned as well is how far I've come since my first writing conference in 2006. Back then I was easily intimidated by other writers, especially those famous ones teaching at Glen Eyrie. But I was also easily discouraged by my lack of understanding about writing techniques. I have always learned things fairly quickly when I put something into practice on a regular basis but back then, any word of critique set me to wondering if I was supposed to write.

This time, I still see how very far I have to go and how many basic things I still need to get under my belt. But it didn't discourage me in the least. It only made me more certain. King David once said that he wouldn't offer the Lord something that cost him nothing. Guess I have learned that about writing. It will cost me time and practice, and even more importantly, it will cost me vulnerability. Something I am not overly fond of. :)

Back to this year's conference: I learned so much from instructors like Jeff Gerke who was very knowledgeable as well as a laugh a minute. But I must say my favorite was getting to know Angela Hunt and Nancy Rue. What incredible women! We talked of writing, families, and many other things. These ladies know how to delve into deep and sometimes painful things, and write of them in a way that brings life to others. They also know how to see humor in everyday occurrences. We laughed till tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Another "God" moment was connecting me with an editor of a magazine that wants me to write for her. I couldn't have planned it or orchestrated how naturally this happened.

The next couple of weeks will be spent regrouping, studying, reading, and analyzing before I begin more serious writing using the building blocks I learned this past week.

Blessings,

Don't fall off your chair...I'm back

Well, it's been way too long since I posted on the blog. Life has been hectic, confusing, and just generally bogged down in many areas.

Right now I am racing to finish getting ready for the Colorado Christian Writers' Conference up in Estes Park next week. Today I am trying to hone my one-page pitch sheet to show to editors and agents. I know I am not ready for a full proposal since the book is only about 2 chapters long with several other scenes written for later in the book.

As I have spent time contemplating the book, I have had to go back and rework several areas including the first chapter since the book is now going a different direction. And I have struggled to make my characters real instead of flat. Part of what I hope to learn up at Estes Park.

I truly look forward to the time away (not just to escape the busyness!) because I have seen how the Lord has used each one I have gone to previously to encourage me not only as a writer, but as His follower. About three years ago, I went to a small conference at Glen Eyrie not really sure what I was going for or what it would accomplish...just knew I was to go. That's where I met my writing buddy, Jackie.

At first we met regularly and then that fell away as we both got pulled in different directions. We lost touch with each other for almost a year, but began meeting again this past fall. What an incredible blessing she is to me. She encourages me and gets me as a writer. That is the gift I came away with from Glen Eyrie.

Last year's conference with the writing guild was huge and pretty intimidating. However I learned a lot and came away better equipped.

Now I am going to Estes with Jackie. I know I will learn and be challenged and convicted as a writer and a woman. I am eager to go, though I don't know if Jackie and I will sleep since we get along so well and never seem to run out of things to talk about. Course we'll also be exhausted from the days that start at 7:00 a.m. and run until after 10:00 p.m.

Well, gotta run!
Blessings!

Exciting writing news!

I was thrilled by an email I received a couple of days ago: the article I wrote for Chicken Soup for the Empty Nester's Soul sold!

To say I was surprised was an understatement. Honestly I had forgotten about the submission because it had been so long.

The article is a light-hearted account describing the weird sensations and emotions that come from having a child return home and college and finding him more of a guest than just one of the family.

So when Chicken Soup for the Empty Nester's Soul comes out in August 2008, look for my article titled "The Surprise Guest."

Blessings!

Fly by writing updates

Quick updates on how the Lord is encouraging my writing:

First I got my last lesson back from my mentor (which I posted here previously) and she said it was ready for publication!! So after graduation stuff, I will be looking for a market for this. :)

I also heard back from MOMSense magazine about an article I wrote about my two nephews. They didn't buy it at this time, but want to hang on to it for possible future use. I have to notify them if I get it out elsewhere. So I will also try marketing that article around too.

God is so gracious to encourage me during this hectic week. For those reading this, also pray for my back as I am feeling a little "tweak" this morning and cannot afford for it to go out this week. Now I am off to get going on the chores at hand today (carefully!) in preparation for graduation stuff later in the week.

Blessings!

More on writing

Yesterday's article was insightful for me to write, but also to see the responses of those around me. When my oldest daughter read the first paragraph, she was horrified. "Mom, you really did that and thought that??" Yep. There is my dirt.

Her response hit me on a couple of levels. First, that gratefully she was shocked that I could respond that way. I take that to mean that I don't normally function that way anymore. Praise God! The other thing was that the environment she has grown up in has taught her the honor and blessing it is to serve. How different from the self-absorbed world in which I lived. God is so gracious.

Another thought that has crossed my mind of late is that writing, whether fiction or nonfiction, requires a deep level of honesty and vulnerability. By honesty, I mean really dealing with deep emotions and the truth of how ugly life here can be and how glorious our Father is. This, at least to me, is a very vulnerable place.

As I have written in the past, growing up I thought the most important things in life, the way to succeed was to be practical and focus all my energy there. In doing so, I learned to stuff things down and didn't allow myself to learn how to deal with deep emotions. They remained, but hidden. And when they do come bursting out, usually at inopportune times, it can be messy. I don't really like messy.

So part of the struggle in writing is learning how to express those deep things in my own heart and on the page. And that makes me feel vulnerable. But I am learning that the more I write, the easier it becomes to allow those emotions to flow onto the paper. And that is what makes the word on the page come to life—when it touches us. When we read something and we are moved to laugh, cry, act. That is what I want my writing to be, an instrument to touch hearts and change lives.

Blessings.

Article

This is an article I am working on for one of my Guild lessons. It still needs some editing and tweaking. Just figured the more I get "out there," the better.

As a young newlywed working full time, I was approached by a woman at church to bring a meal to someone who was ill. I smugly refused, stating that I worked full time and didn’t have the time. Let those who don’t work full time do this duty, I thought. I remember the sad look the other woman gave me as she turned away. I stuffed down the conviction, and excused myself that she was judging me.

I continued my self-absorbed life for another year or so before the Lord got my attention again, in a much more dramatic and personal way. By this time I was pregnant for the first time. Life was proceeding according to plan; my husband and I were working and planning for the arrival of our baby. About two months before my due date, I began to leak amniotic fluid. I called my doctor who sent me to the birth center to be checked to verify the leakage. The doctor put me on a medication to prevent premature labor and ordered bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy.

While a few days of lounging sounded heavenly when I had been working full time, the days now stretched on endlessly. My husband was working long hours in construction, coming home many nights too tired to do more than shower, eat, and hit the sack. The house was dirty. Dinners consisted of whatever fast food my husband picked up on the way home. The long weeks stretched before us, lonely and overwhelming.

At the end of the first week of my internment I received a surprising call. We had just begun attending a small new church. In fact I had attended only once, but knew two or three families there. The friend said that the ladies of the church knew I was on bed rest, that my husband was working long hours, and they wanted to bring us meals. Not just for a few days, but until I was released to be up again.

I was incredulous. Why would these ladies, some of whom I hadn’t even met, want to bring us meals? As meal after meal arrived, night after night, I was humbled again and again. These ladies brought us meals five nights a week for seven weeks.

Knock, knock. “Hi I’m Julie,” “I’m Carol,” “I’m Lauri.” Strangers at my door, coming to serve me. When a lady named Kim came one night, I began to question her about why she was bringing us meals. She was single, worked full time as a nurse, was involved in music. Her response floored me because she gave no thought to herself, “Because you have a need.”

After she left, her answer echoed in my heart over and over. All of these women gave not out of their convenience, but because of our need. I cried that night as I repented of my own selfishness. I had only looked at what I could do when it had been convenient for me. I realized that night the Lord wanted me to give when He called because of the need, not when it fit my timetable or what I felt comfortable or even adequate to do.

Now, twenty years later, I am ashamed of how selfish I was, and can still be at times. But the Lord has graciously showed me the joy in serving, the gift I receive when I am willing to serve. This is true love and I believe it is what the Lord commanded us when He said to lay down our lives for one another.

For over a year now the Lord has shown me this first hand. I have taken meals to a friend who has multiple sclerosis and whose husband has recently gone through radiation treatment. Both of them have been at a place that even a simple meal was more than they were capable of managing. But the need was waiting to be met. Is it convenient? No. Is it always easy? No. But there is great need all around each of us and we don’t always know where our gifts of service will have the greatest impact in the hearts around us. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking someone a meal.

When I look back at how far the Lord has brought me. Wow. I'm sometimes amazed that anyone even liked me back then. And I wonder what "dirt" do I still have clinging to me today? In another 20 years, what will I look back on in awe of His redemption? Praise the Lord, He has promised to complete the work He has begun in all of us.

Writing on...

Yesterday I spent a good portion of the day working on a lesson which requires me to analyze an article. I am finding that while there is some basic structure to most articles, they don't all fit the format. Kind of a "duh" moment. Just like in art, there are rules, but the rules are there to lend structure not to kill creativity.

I am once again struck with how the Word applies to every area of our lives: the letter of the law kills, but the Spirit gives life. Problems arise when someone like me, who loves routine and structure, tries to abide by the letter of the law and finds that the life has been sucked right out of whatever I am working on. Okay, Lord, I get the reminder once again, I have to abide in your Spirit and follow His leading. The "rules" for any area are really only guidelines, not unchangeable laws.

My husband pointed me to a recent post by Mike Duran which I read today. It was certainly food for thought. I am still learning how to allow people in to be those supporting my writing. I have shared it only sparingly with a select few. I think partly from fear of being laughed at and partly from fear of being held accountable to actually do something. Flip sides of the same coin. Silly, really. But who can understand our warped minds and hearts? :P

Also this post caused me to consider that some of what I have been going through lately could actually be attack from the enemy who doesn't want me to write. Which makes me want to write all the more, since that confirms what the Lord has called me to do.

Another good reminder came from the post by Rachel Anne Ridge on Writer Interrupted. She wrote a analogy based on her donkey and how he has gotten stuck in ruts of his own choosing because he never looks up. Hmmmm . . .that can also certainly describe me: a creature of habit. Okay, I see the point the Lord is trying to make with me today. Gotta look up, gotta walk freely in the Spirit, dare to try to new things, and LOOK UP! :)

That's Life essay

Here's the essay I will submit to our paper for the "That's Life" column.

It’s time to clean the clutter out of the basement again. If your basement is anything like mine, it becomes a black hole. Don’t know where to put something? Stash it downstairs. Company coming? Hide the extra junk just out of sight. It has become a jungle below, out of sight, out of mind.

I know I can be a pack rat at times, but I also think the opportune moment has arrived. I am ready to do war against any memory, no matter how sentimental. In a few short weeks I will have a house full of company for my daughter’s graduation. I have to find space down there for a guest bed for my sister and her family.

As I look at all we are getting rid of this time, (this event occurs every few years) I see memories, long with junk that I can't remember getting. How strange it is that stuff seems to multiply down there. Some items, like the ceramic bunny statue, I just shake my head and wonder why we got it in the first place.

There are old vinyl records, probably 30-40 of them stacked in a box, everything from rock and roll to country and Christian pop. Bee Gees, Styx, Amy Grant, Bread. We haven’t even had the record player connected to the receiver in 10-15 years. Why have we kept the albums? I certainly don’t think we want to nail them to a wall like on “Trading Spaces.”

Then there are the children’s games and toys: baby doll beds, old games like Masterpiece and Mousetrap, soccer balls and cleats, softball helmets, puzzles, Barbie pools, and little girls’ dress up clothes. All snapshots of days gone by since all my kids are in their mid to late teens.

We also need to get rid of old sports gear like the skis that are way too long and straight, and the weight machine that was just missing a few bolts and a chain when it was given to us. Never did get those pieces and it has sat gathering dust.

There are books, ranging from old classics we picked up at garage sales that we have never read, to homeschool books, and encyclopedias I had as a child. We have lamps, pictures, and a dresser we bought at another garage sale when we had our first baby almost 20 years ago.

Time to get rid of stuff. Maybe it’s spring. Maybe it’s the transition with a child graduating. Maybe it’s by force due to the coming company. Maybe it’s all of the above. Whatever the full reason, I am ready to tackle the space and reclaim it for civilization.

Writing today: That's Life essay

Today I am writing an essay for the Life section of our paper titled, "That's Life." The paper has an open call for submissions for a short essay about anything in life, big or small. They have covered everything from a teen learning to drive, to politeness, to how a family of a race car driver handles watching NASCAR. I am writing an essay about decluttering our basement. The items we are getting rid of are not needed by us any more. However they are filled with memories, some are over 20 years old. I guess I see this as an analogy to life. Sometimes we gotta clean out the clutter which is no longer serving a purpose. Well, off to write.

And by the way, thanks to all for the encouragement yesterday. I had lunch with two friends from my previous employer. Good friends, good laughter and sympathy. They lightened my heart.

Busy day, time flies

Today is my sweet daughter's 18th birthday. As do so many parents, I wonder where did the time go? Seems like just yesterday ... her fluffy, blond curls swirled round her two-year-old head as she picked flowers from my garden to give to me, her tiny little fingers curled round mine to stay safe as we crossed the street. Her giggles filled the house as she and her younger sister would play dress up again and again, all the way up till she entered high school and started playing dress up for real. Her easy laughter even now always lightens our home, she knows just how to make her dad laugh even after the toughest day. We joke that she has had him wrapped around her little finger since the day he held her in the hospital asking with trembling voice, how do I raise a girl?

Today, we delight in this wonderful young lady who is compassionate, discerning, knows her Lord and loves Him with her whole heart. We are excited about the plans the Lord is unfolding in her life. I do not fear for her as she leaves for college next fall, I know she is secure in the Lord's love and He will guide her safely each day. She can be intense at times, like everyone in our house :P, but she is also the one who laughs the easiest. Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of raising this beautiful young woman for you.

Today is busy with writing as well. I am working on an article about the military families today which will be both for my lesson and I am going to submit it when I get the comments back on it. I also have three other possibilities for articles to pitch which need to be done by next Wednesday. So I'm off to write!

Writing goes on, as does life

Well, yesterday was semi-productive. I got some work done, not enough. :P Today I am feeling more energized and like I can be productive. Perhaps getting some more sleep helped. I know the prayers of others definitely did. Thank you.

Last night I began working on my latest lesson and it actually fits with my needs of what I am requiring myself to get done by my critique group on Friday: an interview and article. :D So I got half the lesson done and started brainstorming on what I want to do for the article. I am going to interview a military wife about a heartbreaking time she faced alone while her husband was deployed. Her little sister, only 12, died suddenly and she had to cope alone. I am going to set up to contact her perhaps tomorrow morning.

I have realized while writing and processing stuff the last week or so that we are really in a major transition in our family and it does take a toll on us in every area. Not only are we preparing for our daughter to graduate, my husband has gone through a job change at work, and the changes in our family relationships just continue to move constantly these days. I know it is not a bad thing, just have to keep adjusting, keep going with the flow, so it doesn't overwhelm me. Today I look outside at our wonderful spring time weather in April: it's snowing. Only in Colorado can we swing from 25 degrees on Sunday, to 60 degrees yesterday, to snow again today. I guess that about describes my life right now: sunny one day, snowing the next. I just have to be as prepared as I am able and enjoy what comes.

Productive day

Yesterday was a productive day in many ways. I was able to drop off some work, pick up some work, attend my critique group, and watch a new favorite movie.

My critique group ended up being only two of us, but it was a productive time for us both. Linda and I had only met once before at the writer's conference, but we got to know one another better yesterday. I read some of Linda's assignments for her journalism class and hopefully gave her some pointers.

I showed her the intro, questionnaire, and first three chapters outline for the book. She had some good input on the writing and strongly encouraged me to get some articles written about the military families since there are so many stories to tell within the book. I am thinking this will be a great way to get the initial stories out and build readership, which is something publishers like to see.

She has a contact for me who is head of a Family Readiness Group here at Fort Carson. And today on my Weight Watcher's message board group, I met a Navy wife. The Lord keeps opening so many doors. I need wisdom on how and when to walk through them. So much to do, so little time!!

And the movie I watched is a definite new favorite, "Stranger than Fiction." It has a little language and one scene of nudity (not sexual), but it is funny and also makes me think. It brings up the question of who is in control of our lives. What sort of life we lead depends greatly on what we think our purpose is and if we are really in control.

As a Christian, I know Who is in control and because of that hope, I can have peace and purpose. My life is not given over to futility. The other level I relate to in this movie is as a writer. Ah, the world of writing is a world within itself, even for the non-fiction writer. And how much more so for the fiction writer. So many have said their characters are "real" people to them. And this movie portrays that in a tragic yet comedic way. Anyway if you want a movie that makes you think, laugh, and ponder, this would be it. (Just keep in mind the couple of offensive things listed above.)

My wonderful DH is planning on working on my web site today and we are hoping to finish it! That would be great if we can. He has put so much time into this, on top of everything else for which he is responsible.

Blessings!

More writing

Well, I just spent the last hour writing more for Hidden Heroes. It is starting to be a tad less difficult to write now that I have some structure. :)

I wrote more on the intro about where this whole concept came from. I know that the Lord placed this burden, this deep, deep concern on my heart for our wonderful military families. As I have pondered this more, He has shown me that some of it was birthed in my own experiences as a young girl when my dad shipped out to Thailand during the Vietnam War. As I have spent time remembering that and talking with my mom about it, I have realized how deeply it affected me.

As I spend time researching and talking with military families, I am so humbled to write this book. I don't know if I can fully express my heart, but I know it is not of me. Everyone I speak to, military or not, writer or not, leaps at the idea. Every response I have gathered has caused me to cry. It touches something so deep within me, causing me to be so grateful to these courageous families. And I long to shout from the rooftops of the depth of their sacrifice and love for our country. I want the nation to stop for just a moment and say thank you. Which honestly seems too small.

The other night my husband and I watched a movie, "We Were Soldiers," which came out a few years ago. We had borrowed it from our nephew several months ago and had been waiting to watch it. We knew we needed to be in the right place to watch it since we had heard it was intense. And it was intense. But the intensity for me wasn't the battles, which I confess to blocking with my hands most of the time. It was how the Army colonel and his wife took ownership of their troops and families. By ownership, I mean that they felt responsible. They took the burden of caring for them. That is the message I feel led to write: how can we as individuals reach out and care for military families around us?

That is why I wept from the beginning of the movie until after the final credits. I wept for the incredible loss of life. I wept for the wives and children who paid the high price. I wept for a nation that was and is unprepared, and at times unwilling, to acknowledge their sacrifices so that we can be free. Isn't it ironic that the ones who pay so high a price are the ones we sometimes choose to ignore because seeing them shakes our comfortable world? Anyway, enough preaching!

As for the writing, I also took the responses I have received to the questionnaire thus far and plugged the answers into the proper chapters. Next I will look at expanding those into full stories as I talk further with these ladies. I have several more contacts to pursue so I am off to follow up on those.

Blessings.

Sounding board

I just got off a phone call with a dear, dear sister. She has no idea how vital she is in my life. She is a sounding board for me. Especially in writing the book, but in every area of life. We talk of our families, of how teenagers are, of what the Lord is doing in our hearts, of the calling on our lives. As I talk with her, I am reminded so much of God's goodness. I am reminded of how to laugh, how to pray, how to cry, how to intercede, how to carry others' burdens. She is a treasure to me.

Sherre reminds me of the old Girl Scout song (at least that's where I learned it):
Make new friends, but always keep the old, one is silver, and the other's gold.

What that song doesn't allow for is that friends move from being silver to gold. Sherre is definitely gold. As I talk with her about writing the book and she shares more of her story, she encourages me. She spurs me on to remember the vision of this book. She always broadens my vision of how and why God is callling me to write it. I hope everyone has a friend like Sherre in their lives. We all need to have someone who can not only urge us on, but help us to laugh along the journey.

Blessings.

Accomplishments

Well, yesterday I made my focus statement for the book and I outlined chapters. Both are very rough, but they give me a starting place, which is something I have lacked.

I am planning on spending a bit of time starting to plug in responses I have received into the appropriate chapters, even when the stories are just rough answers. That way I have some structure to start with. I definitely do better when I have structure! Now I am off to write.

Blessings!

Writing one of Melissa's stories

Today's project is working on one of Melissa's stories. She was gracious enough to fill out my questionnaire about military families. So today I will work on a piece from her responses. I am just writing at this point and not trying to tie things all together yet. I figure that as I write, the links will become more obvious to me.

I also had a thought about getting some more writing "out there." Our newspaper has an online version for each neighborhood which is open to anyone posting stories, etc. I am going to start doing a "mom" blog on it each week and see if maybe they will pick it up for either the print version each week or perhaps the Pikes Peak Parent which is a larger monthly insert across the region.

And I have two more editing projects I have to get off my desk today. Nothing like being busy.

Writing update and accountability

Well, today's writing consisted of doing my next lesson. The only "fun" part of it was getting to discuss what my book idea is about and who my target audience is.

Yesterday I was working on a piece told to me by a dear friend about a lesson the Lord taught her in the midst of a difficult move. (Sherre if you see this, know that I will be calling you soon for more details!!) He told her to plant flowers. That has stuck with me on so many levels. The Lord wants to beautify our lives, but many times He is asking us to get down in the dirt so the preparation is what it needs to be, otherwise the flowers won't thrive. I like to enjoy flowers and I don't even mind planting them. But I don't particularly like to prepare the soil ahead of time (can you say, manure?) and I don't like weeding. Both of which are necessary for flowers to thrive. And Jesus promised us a life which will thrive. (See John 10:10.)

The Lord required my friend to plant perennials even knowing that as a military wife, she would only get to enjoy them briefly. But how many of us only want to plant when and where we choose and what will bring us pleasure? The lesson Jesus was teaching my dear sister was that it wasn't about her. It was about investing right where she was that day. (Ah, yes, that lesson we have to be taught over and over it seems.) Her story has stuck with me vividly.

I also thought I would post my book idea so if anyone has anymore thoughts along this line or you know someone who is in the military, please send them my way. The book is about America’s unsung heroes: military families.

They are resourceful, tough, adaptable, and resilient. They face day-in and day-out battles to stay strong, to take care of life at home, to fight fears and questions, to keep the home fires burning. They have to be ready to move across country or overseas whenever Uncle Sam orders.

How do these courageous women and men waiting at home fight off the depression, loneliness, fear, and boredom? How do they manage to preserve a relationship not knowing when, and sometimes if, they will see their loved one again? What strength and resourcefulness do they exhibit as they juggle paying bills, nursing sick children, holding down jobs, fixing the leaky toilet all while waiting to hear if their loved one is safe one more day?

These are our unseen, unrecognized warriors. They may not wear the uniform, but they fight to maintain life at home so our soldiers can fight without distractions. The battles these hidden warriors face not only rage while the loved one is away. They may continue even when their soldier returns: He or she may be battle-weary, experiencing post-traumatic stress, or injured. These are the stories of America’s hidden heroes. They are our neighbors, our co-workers, and the parents of our children’s classmates.

In understanding military families and their incredible sacrifices, we can learn to how to support them daily, lending an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and a heart to rejoice with them.

Blessings!

New look, meeting goals

Another quick note today. I did meet my goal of writing yesterday and today, though I didn't get that interview with my dad yet. I'll have to touch base with him when he gets to Florida. The rest of today will be filled with a proofreading job which I'll do around my daughter getting her wisdom teeth out.

I changed the look of my blog mainly because I feel that this one fits me better. My son had suggested a few and I went with the first one I liked in the original set up. Also, as anyone who has lived with me knows, I like to change things up sometimes. I don't plan on doing that too much here though. Let me know what you think.

Blessings!

Grace in which I stand

I had a really rough afternoon and evening fighting negative thoughts about myself. I struggle in watching my health, as I continue to have back issues and my weight is fluctuating due to lack of exercise and stress eating. I struggle in moving forward in the writing I feel called to do. Yesterday I hit the point of actually saying to the Lord, "Why did you put this burden on me? Who am I to do this?"

Even as I write this, I see (I am really slow!) the enemy's voice again. I just read recently about Moses begging God to send someone else, send Aaron who is better gifted. Aren't I just like him? As I read on another blog, I may forget what I wrote a few days ago, but the Lord does not! This is just what the Lord spoke to me last week. And this morning I read in Romans about the grace in which I stand. I had to ask myself, am I standing in grace? Many days I have failed in standing in grace and not only standing, but taking the next step.

Many times it is easy for me to have grace for others, for their struggles, concerns, questions, etc. But for me, there is very little. I am a very harsh master to myself. I have so little room for myself when I doubt or when I stumble in one area or another. I just want to berate myself and usually do so. I expect perfection and think I must exact a just punishment when I fail, which I frequently do. Perfection is a tough standard. This unfortunately makes me harsh to those around me as well. If I can have so little grace for me, how can I possibly give grace to others?

In Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest he writes in today's selection: "It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator - the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen; the next step in your duty, when there is no vision from God, no enthusiasm and no spectator. . . . We flag when there is no vision, no uplift, but just the common round, the trivial task. The thing that tells in the long run for God and for men is the steady persevering work in the unseen, and the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you. . . ."

I want that steady persevering work in my life. I choose today to look up, to ask the Lord to keep my eyes open, to forgive myself for being human, but to stand up in the grace He has given and take the next step.

May His grace blanket you today. May you rest at His feet. Be still before Him and allow your heart to be refreshed.