Pondering

I have spent some time pondering this week, trying to get a grip on what I have been feeling for a few weeks. It is almost a depressed sort of feeling, a tiredness, a weariness, which is not physical. I sometimes think that life can just knock the stuffing out of you without you even realizing it.

I think some of these feelings come from not seeing the answers/promises fulfilled yet as to what the Lord is doing. I know He is faithful. I know He is doing all that He has promised and purposed. I am just not seeing it yet. And sometimes I grow weary in the waiting. I think some of these feelings also come from getting caught in a rut in life. Sometimes I get so busy just keeping up with life stuff, you know the daily to do lists, that I am just going through the motions.

This past Sunday our pastor challenged us to DEFINE who we are.
Decide
Exactly how I am going to
Function
In a
New
Environment

The thing is that I am not sure I am in a new environment. I am in some areas, not in many. I do need time to contemplate though about who the Lord has called me to be, what my roles are, how can I glorify Him in all of them. Maybe part of the issue is that my roles are in a constant state of shifting. And I am not quite sure where to step. I know that if I can just quiet my heart to listen, He will direct me. He has promised that He will guide my steps and enlarge the place where my feet tread.

Oh, my soul, be still and know He is God. Be still, be filled, be refreshed.

Blessings

Spring break

Well, this week is getting off to a slow start writing wise. Spring break will do that to you, at least if you have kids at home. So far this week has been filled with interruptions of giggling, errands, movies, etc.

My 17 yo daughter is getting ready to fly to see her brother in Oklahoma. It should be a great time for both of them and a taste of what's to come this fall for those of us at home. I am excited for her to go and yet praying a bunch for her as well.

When our kids leave home, be it for a week or much longer, our prayer life kicks into high gear. Funny thing but it's like I think I can keep them safe, healthy, spiritually strong when they are home and "only God can" when they are away. This isn't a conscious thing, but truly I am unaware of thinking, functioning, that way. Guess it's God's way of showing me (again!) that my kids are really His kids and He is the one who will keep them at all times and in all places.

Work has hit in a pile as usual. I am hoping to clear the pressing stuff off my desk by later today so that I can hit some more writing.

Productive day

Yesterday was a productive day in many ways. I was able to drop off some work, pick up some work, attend my critique group, and watch a new favorite movie.

My critique group ended up being only two of us, but it was a productive time for us both. Linda and I had only met once before at the writer's conference, but we got to know one another better yesterday. I read some of Linda's assignments for her journalism class and hopefully gave her some pointers.

I showed her the intro, questionnaire, and first three chapters outline for the book. She had some good input on the writing and strongly encouraged me to get some articles written about the military families since there are so many stories to tell within the book. I am thinking this will be a great way to get the initial stories out and build readership, which is something publishers like to see.

She has a contact for me who is head of a Family Readiness Group here at Fort Carson. And today on my Weight Watcher's message board group, I met a Navy wife. The Lord keeps opening so many doors. I need wisdom on how and when to walk through them. So much to do, so little time!!

And the movie I watched is a definite new favorite, "Stranger than Fiction." It has a little language and one scene of nudity (not sexual), but it is funny and also makes me think. It brings up the question of who is in control of our lives. What sort of life we lead depends greatly on what we think our purpose is and if we are really in control.

As a Christian, I know Who is in control and because of that hope, I can have peace and purpose. My life is not given over to futility. The other level I relate to in this movie is as a writer. Ah, the world of writing is a world within itself, even for the non-fiction writer. And how much more so for the fiction writer. So many have said their characters are "real" people to them. And this movie portrays that in a tragic yet comedic way. Anyway if you want a movie that makes you think, laugh, and ponder, this would be it. (Just keep in mind the couple of offensive things listed above.)

My wonderful DH is planning on working on my web site today and we are hoping to finish it! That would be great if we can. He has put so much time into this, on top of everything else for which he is responsible.

Blessings!

More writing

Well, I just spent the last hour writing more for Hidden Heroes. It is starting to be a tad less difficult to write now that I have some structure. :)

I wrote more on the intro about where this whole concept came from. I know that the Lord placed this burden, this deep, deep concern on my heart for our wonderful military families. As I have pondered this more, He has shown me that some of it was birthed in my own experiences as a young girl when my dad shipped out to Thailand during the Vietnam War. As I have spent time remembering that and talking with my mom about it, I have realized how deeply it affected me.

As I spend time researching and talking with military families, I am so humbled to write this book. I don't know if I can fully express my heart, but I know it is not of me. Everyone I speak to, military or not, writer or not, leaps at the idea. Every response I have gathered has caused me to cry. It touches something so deep within me, causing me to be so grateful to these courageous families. And I long to shout from the rooftops of the depth of their sacrifice and love for our country. I want the nation to stop for just a moment and say thank you. Which honestly seems too small.

The other night my husband and I watched a movie, "We Were Soldiers," which came out a few years ago. We had borrowed it from our nephew several months ago and had been waiting to watch it. We knew we needed to be in the right place to watch it since we had heard it was intense. And it was intense. But the intensity for me wasn't the battles, which I confess to blocking with my hands most of the time. It was how the Army colonel and his wife took ownership of their troops and families. By ownership, I mean that they felt responsible. They took the burden of caring for them. That is the message I feel led to write: how can we as individuals reach out and care for military families around us?

That is why I wept from the beginning of the movie until after the final credits. I wept for the incredible loss of life. I wept for the wives and children who paid the high price. I wept for a nation that was and is unprepared, and at times unwilling, to acknowledge their sacrifices so that we can be free. Isn't it ironic that the ones who pay so high a price are the ones we sometimes choose to ignore because seeing them shakes our comfortable world? Anyway, enough preaching!

As for the writing, I also took the responses I have received to the questionnaire thus far and plugged the answers into the proper chapters. Next I will look at expanding those into full stories as I talk further with these ladies. I have several more contacts to pursue so I am off to follow up on those.

Blessings.

Sounding board

I just got off a phone call with a dear, dear sister. She has no idea how vital she is in my life. She is a sounding board for me. Especially in writing the book, but in every area of life. We talk of our families, of how teenagers are, of what the Lord is doing in our hearts, of the calling on our lives. As I talk with her, I am reminded so much of God's goodness. I am reminded of how to laugh, how to pray, how to cry, how to intercede, how to carry others' burdens. She is a treasure to me.

Sherre reminds me of the old Girl Scout song (at least that's where I learned it):
Make new friends, but always keep the old, one is silver, and the other's gold.

What that song doesn't allow for is that friends move from being silver to gold. Sherre is definitely gold. As I talk with her about writing the book and she shares more of her story, she encourages me. She spurs me on to remember the vision of this book. She always broadens my vision of how and why God is callling me to write it. I hope everyone has a friend like Sherre in their lives. We all need to have someone who can not only urge us on, but help us to laugh along the journey.

Blessings.

Accomplishments

Well, yesterday I made my focus statement for the book and I outlined chapters. Both are very rough, but they give me a starting place, which is something I have lacked.

I am planning on spending a bit of time starting to plug in responses I have received into the appropriate chapters, even when the stories are just rough answers. That way I have some structure to start with. I definitely do better when I have structure! Now I am off to write.

Blessings!

Dreams

At church on Sunday, someone spoke about dreams that the Lord has placed in our hearts and how we must stay true to them by whatever means we can. He had been encouraging a young lady who has a passion to play violin, but felt she had no time or energy left to do so after working all day. He said start with what you do have; start with five minutes a day. Without distraction or excuses, give those five minutes fully to the Lord. Begin to appropriate that dream, one day at a time, five minutes at a time and see how the Lord will cause that time to blossom and grow until the dream He placed in you is fulfilled.

This resonated with me so much in my writing. Some days I charge ahead; some days I take two steps back. The way to appropriate anything is by making the choice today, right now, to go the way that God is calling me. Right now I have the choice to write or to burrow into the demands of the day.

Right now, I am choosing to write. Maybe not those 1000 words a day I promised myself. But I will write, even if only for five minutes. I am deciding to make small goals instead of large ones. That way I can celebrate and feel I have accomplished something. Today's goal: write a focus statement for the book. A writer buddy suggested this as a way to keep everything on track. So that is the goal today.

Find your wings

In talking with my son the other day, something he said stuck with me. I thought I was doing a pretty good job letting go of my daughter as she gets ready to graduate. As loudly as I protested to him that I was, I realized that "the lady doth protest too much."

There is more letting go I have to do. Funny how I thought I was releasing her just fine, and yet there are some areas I am not. More cutting of heart strings has to be done. She is ready to fly, I must release her more. When our kids were babies, we had to trust those first times we left them. Those times we let them go to their first play dates, kindergarten, sleepovers, field trips, trips with friends, driving, dates, and on and on.

Over and over again there are more places we have to trust the Lord with our children, regardless of their ages. The letting go doesn't stop when they are away at college either. There is more releasing as they make their own decisions that will affect the course of their days and their lives. My prayer is that they always choose life. There is a book I am pulling out to reread, "Give Them Wings," by Carol Kuykendall. It is an excellent book about how to go through the process of children graduating and leaving home. I need reminding of how to let go.

The words to this Mark Harris song echo my heart's cry for each of my children, but especially my daughter right now:

"Find Your Wings"
It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow

Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings

May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories

Chorus:

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

Isn't this every parent's prayer? It certainly is mine for all three of my children. I pray daily that they will walk only in the truth. I pray that the Lord will fill their hearts with dreams and the courage to pursue them. That they will have the passion and conviction to follow Him, not out of duty but devotion. I pray their hearts will always know how much He loves them and how much we love them. I may have tears as they take off, but there is no one cheering louder as they fly.

Writing one of Melissa's stories

Today's project is working on one of Melissa's stories. She was gracious enough to fill out my questionnaire about military families. So today I will work on a piece from her responses. I am just writing at this point and not trying to tie things all together yet. I figure that as I write, the links will become more obvious to me.

I also had a thought about getting some more writing "out there." Our newspaper has an online version for each neighborhood which is open to anyone posting stories, etc. I am going to start doing a "mom" blog on it each week and see if maybe they will pick it up for either the print version each week or perhaps the Pikes Peak Parent which is a larger monthly insert across the region.

And I have two more editing projects I have to get off my desk today. Nothing like being busy.

Not much writing today

Just a quick accountability check. Not much writing happened today. Instead I ran from a doctor's appointment for my back, home briefly, to an appointment at the dentist, then to a massage (AHHHH!) and then home again to take care of life here.

My back is one of those things in life that I can either choose to get frustrated about or choose to look up and see how God will get the glory. Basically I have several discs which are compressed. I think the doctor said degenerated. But they are not bad enough to require major intervention, for which I am very grateful. This is what I felt the Lord speaking to me in the midst of waiting for x-ray results.

The part which could be frustrating is that there is nothing the medical community can do, my back will just go into spasms throughout the rest of my life whenever it chooses to do so. I, instead, am choosing to do all that I can (physical therapy, exercise, weight management) so that I can live as fully as possible. And when the Lord allows my back to spasm, I will choose to sit at His feet and rest. While the pain can be difficult to bear at those times, I am finding that whether I am up and going or laid down in a spasm, I can be at peace when I know that all of my days are in His hand.

Now, I hear a hot bath calling me to soak my aching muscles.
Blessings

Writing update and accountability

Well, today's writing consisted of doing my next lesson. The only "fun" part of it was getting to discuss what my book idea is about and who my target audience is.

Yesterday I was working on a piece told to me by a dear friend about a lesson the Lord taught her in the midst of a difficult move. (Sherre if you see this, know that I will be calling you soon for more details!!) He told her to plant flowers. That has stuck with me on so many levels. The Lord wants to beautify our lives, but many times He is asking us to get down in the dirt so the preparation is what it needs to be, otherwise the flowers won't thrive. I like to enjoy flowers and I don't even mind planting them. But I don't particularly like to prepare the soil ahead of time (can you say, manure?) and I don't like weeding. Both of which are necessary for flowers to thrive. And Jesus promised us a life which will thrive. (See John 10:10.)

The Lord required my friend to plant perennials even knowing that as a military wife, she would only get to enjoy them briefly. But how many of us only want to plant when and where we choose and what will bring us pleasure? The lesson Jesus was teaching my dear sister was that it wasn't about her. It was about investing right where she was that day. (Ah, yes, that lesson we have to be taught over and over it seems.) Her story has stuck with me vividly.

I also thought I would post my book idea so if anyone has anymore thoughts along this line or you know someone who is in the military, please send them my way. The book is about America’s unsung heroes: military families.

They are resourceful, tough, adaptable, and resilient. They face day-in and day-out battles to stay strong, to take care of life at home, to fight fears and questions, to keep the home fires burning. They have to be ready to move across country or overseas whenever Uncle Sam orders.

How do these courageous women and men waiting at home fight off the depression, loneliness, fear, and boredom? How do they manage to preserve a relationship not knowing when, and sometimes if, they will see their loved one again? What strength and resourcefulness do they exhibit as they juggle paying bills, nursing sick children, holding down jobs, fixing the leaky toilet all while waiting to hear if their loved one is safe one more day?

These are our unseen, unrecognized warriors. They may not wear the uniform, but they fight to maintain life at home so our soldiers can fight without distractions. The battles these hidden warriors face not only rage while the loved one is away. They may continue even when their soldier returns: He or she may be battle-weary, experiencing post-traumatic stress, or injured. These are the stories of America’s hidden heroes. They are our neighbors, our co-workers, and the parents of our children’s classmates.

In understanding military families and their incredible sacrifices, we can learn to how to support them daily, lending an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, and a heart to rejoice with them.

Blessings!

New look, meeting goals

Another quick note today. I did meet my goal of writing yesterday and today, though I didn't get that interview with my dad yet. I'll have to touch base with him when he gets to Florida. The rest of today will be filled with a proofreading job which I'll do around my daughter getting her wisdom teeth out.

I changed the look of my blog mainly because I feel that this one fits me better. My son had suggested a few and I went with the first one I liked in the original set up. Also, as anyone who has lived with me knows, I like to change things up sometimes. I don't plan on doing that too much here though. Let me know what you think.

Blessings!

Grace in which I stand

I had a really rough afternoon and evening fighting negative thoughts about myself. I struggle in watching my health, as I continue to have back issues and my weight is fluctuating due to lack of exercise and stress eating. I struggle in moving forward in the writing I feel called to do. Yesterday I hit the point of actually saying to the Lord, "Why did you put this burden on me? Who am I to do this?"

Even as I write this, I see (I am really slow!) the enemy's voice again. I just read recently about Moses begging God to send someone else, send Aaron who is better gifted. Aren't I just like him? As I read on another blog, I may forget what I wrote a few days ago, but the Lord does not! This is just what the Lord spoke to me last week. And this morning I read in Romans about the grace in which I stand. I had to ask myself, am I standing in grace? Many days I have failed in standing in grace and not only standing, but taking the next step.

Many times it is easy for me to have grace for others, for their struggles, concerns, questions, etc. But for me, there is very little. I am a very harsh master to myself. I have so little room for myself when I doubt or when I stumble in one area or another. I just want to berate myself and usually do so. I expect perfection and think I must exact a just punishment when I fail, which I frequently do. Perfection is a tough standard. This unfortunately makes me harsh to those around me as well. If I can have so little grace for me, how can I possibly give grace to others?

In Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest he writes in today's selection: "It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator - the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen; the next step in your duty, when there is no vision from God, no enthusiasm and no spectator. . . . We flag when there is no vision, no uplift, but just the common round, the trivial task. The thing that tells in the long run for God and for men is the steady persevering work in the unseen, and the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you. . . ."

I want that steady persevering work in my life. I choose today to look up, to ask the Lord to keep my eyes open, to forgive myself for being human, but to stand up in the grace He has given and take the next step.

May His grace blanket you today. May you rest at His feet. Be still before Him and allow your heart to be refreshed.

Writing goals

I have realized that I am a goal-oriented person. And as much as I stress under deadlines sometimes, I actually am much more productive when I have them to push me.

With that said, I am establishing writing goals of working on the book about military families for at least 1 hour per day/5 days per week. I will write at least 1000 words per day so that within 14 weeks I will have a first draft done. I want the first draft finished by mid-June. That gives me a couple of weeks off when family will be here for my daughter's graduation at the end of May. And I want my proposal ready to go before the end of May.

I have already written about 500 words this morning and then called my mom to interview her about the time my dad was deployed when I was a girl. So I still have more writing to accomplish today, although I have spent over an hour on the project. I am going to call my dad later today to talk with him about that time frame and I know that will help fill in some of the blanks for me as well.

I also have written an article for MOMSense magazine which I will polish this week and send off to them. And then I have to work at editing. While I do still enjoy the editing, I am finding more and more that it is like a rude interruption when I really want to spend my time writing. Ah, well. . .income is still needed, so work I must. When I feel like whining, I just remind myself that there are many writers out there who work full time and still manage to write. So I just need to get over myself and get to work!

I am also planning on posting at least 4-5 days per week. I realize I don't have to be profound or go on at length to blog. Enough said, work is calling.