Grace in which I stand

I had a really rough afternoon and evening fighting negative thoughts about myself. I struggle in watching my health, as I continue to have back issues and my weight is fluctuating due to lack of exercise and stress eating. I struggle in moving forward in the writing I feel called to do. Yesterday I hit the point of actually saying to the Lord, "Why did you put this burden on me? Who am I to do this?"

Even as I write this, I see (I am really slow!) the enemy's voice again. I just read recently about Moses begging God to send someone else, send Aaron who is better gifted. Aren't I just like him? As I read on another blog, I may forget what I wrote a few days ago, but the Lord does not! This is just what the Lord spoke to me last week. And this morning I read in Romans about the grace in which I stand. I had to ask myself, am I standing in grace? Many days I have failed in standing in grace and not only standing, but taking the next step.

Many times it is easy for me to have grace for others, for their struggles, concerns, questions, etc. But for me, there is very little. I am a very harsh master to myself. I have so little room for myself when I doubt or when I stumble in one area or another. I just want to berate myself and usually do so. I expect perfection and think I must exact a just punishment when I fail, which I frequently do. Perfection is a tough standard. This unfortunately makes me harsh to those around me as well. If I can have so little grace for me, how can I possibly give grace to others?

In Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest he writes in today's selection: "It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator - the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen; the next step in your duty, when there is no vision from God, no enthusiasm and no spectator. . . . We flag when there is no vision, no uplift, but just the common round, the trivial task. The thing that tells in the long run for God and for men is the steady persevering work in the unseen, and the only way to keep the life uncrushed is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the Risen Christ, and it will be impossible for drudgery to damp you. . . ."

I want that steady persevering work in my life. I choose today to look up, to ask the Lord to keep my eyes open, to forgive myself for being human, but to stand up in the grace He has given and take the next step.

May His grace blanket you today. May you rest at His feet. Be still before Him and allow your heart to be refreshed.